I have a friend who is a superstar meal prepper. She dedicates time every Sunday afternoon to prepping her meals for the entire upcoming week. Then, as the week gets crazy busy and everyone else is frantically grabbing fast food or scrambling to whip up a meal, her family gets a lovely home cooked meal. She tells me it’s healthier, happier, and more efficient.
Preparation is key in so many areas of life. When we know we’re going to be faced with a challenging task or a bombarded with busyness, strong preparations give us clearer vision, more confidence, and a foundation to build on. One area of life that really benefits from preparation is marriage and that’s why premarital counseling is a smart decision.
Most couples, unless their church requires, actually forgo premarital counseling. Heck, you are in love so why would you even need premarital counseling? Everything will work out and you can work through anything that comes your way. Right? Love conquers all, after all.
The problem is, life – and so marriages – have seasons and face unexpected things. Birth of a child(ren), aging parents, job losses, career changes, sickness, death of loved one, a snoring spouse, an infidelity, empty nest, and a billion other strains.
Usually when people tell me that they don’t think premarital counseling is necessary, I learn they are confused about what premarital counseling really is. In some cases, it is true that churches have been know to use premarital counseling as a way to tell people not to be married. If you’re in love, why would you sign up for that? But I think premarital counseling is like preparing for a long journey. You take stock of your resources and supplies (individually and as a couple), you map out a plan based on the information you have, and you discuss what to do if a problem arises.
Here are ten times that premarital counseling is a MUST, so that you are set up to succeed.
1. When You’re Blending Kids
Adults expect kids to just blend. As if his and her kids are going to be new besties. The problem is most kids don’t. The other major problem is understanding how to parent his, hers, and possibly ours. At a minimum you must learn how to discipline children and navigate the role of the bio parents whether they are or are not around.
2. When You Have a Tough Personal History
Is abuse, neglect, or abandonment in either of your backgrounds? Did either come from a broken home? Or is there a history of emotional instability like suicide attempts or being bipolar? These hurts and struggles will surface at some point in your marriage. It’s better to be prepared ahead of time for how they manifest and what to do when it happens.
3. When You’ve Known Each Other Less Than a Year
Still in the honeymoon phase of dating? Not gone through a whole year with all of the seasons and holidays that go along with it? Then you still have much to learn about one another that only time would’ve revealed.
For example, my husband doesn’t like the winter months and suffers from Seasonal Affect Disorder (SAD). Does your potential mate like to camp and also drinks too much when camping? How do you and your mate handle holiday celebrations? Premarital counseling helps address some of the questions that would arise if your relationship had more established time.
4. When Either or Both of You Have Been Divorced or Widowed
It is great to say travel light and leave your old relationship baggage behind when you enter into a new relationship. But the truth is that it is not that easy. Shannon’s first husband had an affair and left her. Now she’s married to Michael. Though Michael has been loyal and faithful, Shannon’s former relationship causes her to struggle with distrust. Though he’s tried being understanding, Michael is getting frustrated with the paranoia and insecurities.
5. When Someone Has a History of Past Addictions, Impulsive Behavior, or Substance Abuse
If one or both has a history of addictive or impulsive behavior, it is important to discuss this in a neutral setting. No shame – but don’t hide. It’s critical to understand their/your history, resources, and potential mine fields.
6. When You’re Marrying Late in Life, for the First Time, or After a Large Gap in Relationships
This would include couples where either party has had a big gap or no history of long term committed relationships. Solo flyers often experience a big adjustment when it comes to sharing space, decisions, and life in general. It can be like the only child having to cope with the arrival of a new sibling. There are lots of changes – not necessary bad changes – but, hey, most people don’t like change and resist it.
7. When You’re Very Young (Under 20)
Don’t get me wrong, I believe in high school sweethearts and young love. It’s not that young folks are ill equipped for love, but this made the list because too often they don’t have a grasp on the changes and seasons that a couple will face. They haven’t had the life experience to prep for major changes like the birth of children or a career/job change. Pre-martial counseling will bring these to light so the couple can know to expect these seasons and understand them as a normal part of a marriage.
8. When You’re Currently Experiencing Financial Problems
Marie married her boyfriend of 6 months because he needed health insurance. Getting married for one of them to get insurance doesn’t make for firm footing. Marie and Derick were married less than a year.
It’s likely that finances and debt weren’t a major topic of discussion while you were dating. Discussing these issues can go overlooked, so pre-marital counseling can help you address them.
9. When Either of You is in the Military or This Will be Long Distance Relationship
The first year of marriage is significant in setting boundaries and ground rules while also establishing routines and bonding. If distance inhibits this, you two will need a plan to help establish plans, rituals, and communication to build the connection and a set strong foundation.
10. When You Have a Difference in Political and or Religious Beliefs
Sports rivalry can make for exciting Sundays, but not so much with political ideologies and religious differences. It’s important to know and discuss differences and how you plan to manage them. Some couples agree to not talk or watch politics. When it come to religious backgrounds, the Bible speaks to being equally yoked.
You’re getting married because you love one another and want to spend the rest of your lives together. Set it up for success by putting in the prep work. Your future selves will thank you!
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Did you and your mate go through pre-marital counseling? How did it prove beneficial to you? What would you advise an engaged couple?
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