Don't Eat The Marshmallow - It Could Ruin Your Marriage

Are you familiar with the “marshmallow test” that was conducted with kids by Stanford researcher Walter Mischel in the 70’s? 

In the experiment, a young child is given a marshmallow and told that if he or she can resist eating it while the teacher steps out of the room (for over 10 minutes), the teacher will give that child a second marshmallow upon returning.

Only about one in three children resisted the temptation to eat the marshmallow. It’s a test of impulse control and delayed gratification. There are several YouTube videos explaining it here’s one: The Marshmallow Test. 

Follow-ups on this experiment showed that, sure enough, the kids who passed the test would have a greater chance of success in achieving long-term goals. They were able to delay gratification in the short term for a greater reward in the long term. They also scored higher on SATs.

When there were two kids taking the test together, some of them followed the lead of the other child in the room, and some did not. Some found strength in each other or used each other to distract attention from the yummy marshmallow. 

I not only find that to be fascinating, but I suspect that a few only ate their marshmallows because the other kid did! Peer pressure, anyone?

(On a personal note, yes, I hear my mom’s voice asking the rhetorical question, “If [insert friend’s name here] played on the freeway, would you?”)

In the videos I’ve seen, the kids do best if they employ distraction techniques to keep themselves from eating the marshmallow. Some turn away, some get out of their seats and create distance, and some fidget or push the marshmallow away. They might roll it, toss it, squish it, or pretend it’s a plane. But once they start licking or nibbling it, temptation overcomes them, and the marshmallow soon disappears.

Because of this study, Joel and I have a saying about folks who do things to mess up their marriages: “They ate the marshmallow.”

Of course, the marshmallow is just a representation. Couples and individuals need to understand their own “marriage marshmallows.” After all, what if you don’t like marshmallows? Then it’s not really much of a temptation, is it?

Examples of succumbing to the marshmallow test:

Lying or withholding the truth

One of my clients has a spending problem and lies to her husband about it. She might get the temporary reinforcement of getting away with it for a short time, but we all know that the truth comes out eventually. Deluding herself that she’ll never have to have that honest discussion is like gobbling the marshmallow and hoping the teacher doesn’t notice.

Flirting with disaster

Emotional flirting with a coworker is like licking the marshmallow. It may feel good in the moment, but eventually, it may cost you. 

It concerns me when people joke about having “work husbands.” Isn’t the role of a husband to support, encourage, and provide unity and intimacy? If this role is filled by a coworker of the opposite sex, it could undermine your marriage.

Getting advice from unwise counsel 

Don’t be like the kid in the test room who eats the marshmallow because the kid next to you is doing it.

We need to be careful of the counsel we seek and the company we keep.  If you’re married and having marital problems, an unmarried girlfriend may not be the best one to give relationship advice.

Waiting too long to get advice

Not seeking wise advice until your marriage is in dire straits is like chewing up the marshmallow, spitting it out, and saying that you didn’t eat it. Almost any problem, caught in the early stages, is much easier to handle.

Acting too soon

Recently, a friend of a friend suddenly announced on Facebook that she was “single” after 20 years of marriage. I offered to talk to her about it, and she said no, it was a done deal.  Just a couple weeks later, she was posting images of flowers from her new boyfriend, who happened to be a mutual friend of her ex-husband and her. One can’t help but wonder: Did she flirt with this man, eat the marshmallow, and doom her marriage?

Questions to ask to determine your marriage marshmallows.

I like to ask my clients some questions to help them identify their marriage marshmallows, find techniques to delay gratification, and gain double the rewards.

Here are some questions to ask yourself to see if you’re eating the marshmallow:

1. How do I/we respond to challenges in our marriage?
2. Do I lash out if my mate has upset or disappointed me? Or, do I listen fully with the intent to understand and then respond rather than react?
3. Do I focus on being right or on being happy?
4. Do I put my own needs above the needs of our marriage?  

This one needs some explanation. I think we can all agree that physical abuse is not acceptable, whether towards the man or the woman. And, I am in no way saying that one should act as a doormat.

But, I know couples on the brink of bankruptcy who argue about money repeatedly, yet they both spend as if it’s a competition. The husband “deserves” a new $500 guitar; the wife “needs” a $450 bag. Neither puts marital needs above personal desires.

Tolerating discomfort in the present for long-term gains is really the name of the game here. If you’re feeling problems in your marriage, try not to act on impulse. Take the time to run the problem through a truth filter. Are you being honest with yourself and your mate? Are you keeping your long-term plans in mind and dealing with the tough issues, or are you putting off doing what you need to do now to improve your situation?

If you can keep focused on your goal for a happy and easy marriage, the future can be brighter for you and your spouse. Eating the figurative marshmallow immediately rarely serves.

What techniques do you have for distancing the marshmallow? How do you catch yourself when you’re tempted to eat it?

Warmly,