The Single Most Important Factor in Wildly Successful Relationships

I often start my sessions by asking clients what they think is the single most important quality in a wildly successful relationship.

I get a wide variety of responses, including communication, trust, patience, love, passion, and others. These are all very important traits and most definitely contribute to healthy relationships, but none of them is what I consider to be the single most important.

Good Individual Self-Awareness

Although rarely named, I believe that the single most important characteristic of people in wildly successful marriages is good individual self-awareness.

Note that I didn’t say self-management. I know many people who are go-getters and can self-manage. They can and do make things happen; but when pressed, they’re unable to tell you what they’re feeling or why they’re feeling it.

Without the self-awareness to be able to identify your feelings and the issues behind them, your relationship is at a serious disadvantage. In this day and age, feelings have everything to do with why you entered into the relationship and whether or not it’s successful.

Without good individual self-awareness, you may accidentally be contributing to the relationship withering away.

Indicators of Good Individual Self-Awareness

How does healthy self-awareness reveal itself in a relationship? Here are five indicators:

• Are You Slow to Anger?
  Anger is basically a facade for another emotion such as disappointment, loneliness, or fear. You cannot resolve or even understand a problem if you’re experiencing anger instead of looking deeper. You might be able to manage the anger, but truly mastering it only comes from first understanding what is hidden by the façade of anger.
• Are You Slow to Blame or Find Fault?
  Self-aware people tend to be less blaming and fault-finding. They often have an understanding of their own weaknesses and therefore can be more understanding of their partner’s weaknesses and faults. When there is less blaming and fault finding, both parties can be more authentic and optimistic.
  

  

• Are You Quick to Take Responsibility for Your Part in a Disagreement or Problem?
  Self-aware people will seek to understand their part of the equation in a difficult situation, knowing that a problem is rarely one-sided. They will seek to understand how the tone or timing of what they said impacted the situation, how they misread a situation, or how something they did contributed, even in a small way. Applying this understanding will often help resolve problems.
• Are You Quick to Forgive?
  The most self-aware people that I work with are quick to forgive and understand that forgiveness is not about letting your partner off the hook; rather, it’s about understanding that we all make mistakes and that forgiveness is part of a healthy relationship. They know that forgiveness is about freeing yourself, which allows you, your partner, and the relationship to heal.
• Do You Understand That the Past Taints the Present?
  No one comes into a marriage without some preconceived notions and at least a little bit of baggage, which I call your “beliefs and baggage.” Your old beliefs and baggage may or may not support a healthy relationship. People who are self-aware are more likely to know that when their partner pushes a button, the emotion they feel is simply indicating their old programming or associating with a negative memory. They understand that their partner has vulnerabilities and tender spots that will likely affect the relationship.

Why Self-Awareness is the Most Important Factor

The reason that individual self-awareness is the most important factor is that it’s the one quality you have the most control over. It’s also the quality that most powerfully affects your mate. When both people are self aware it, the relationship becomes an endless cycle of refreshment. Your love, your commitment, and your relationship are reinforced and refreshed over and over again.

Love,