I’ve been married twice, so I’ve experienced two sets of in-laws. My current in-laws, I’m happy to say, are an ABSOLUTE dream! Not so much with the first set.
As I look back, I see that there were things I could have done to make the first go-round smoother; namely, setting clearer limits, being more direct, and enforcing my limits.
But those wouldn’t be enough.
In-law harmony also requires husband and wife to discuss the situation and get on the same page! (At least, you have to have a game plan and be realistic about what’s likely to happen.)
Some in-laws are a treat; they’re supportive, honor boundaries, embrace differences, and respect that the husband and wife need to grow together. Other in-laws can be a nightmare: pushy, intrusive, manipulative, and even deceptive.
Yes, the term “monster-in-law” was created for a reason!
Special Challenges with In-Laws
You want to be liked by your in-laws, and you seek harmony, but honestly, you’re a bit of an outsider, at least when you’re newlywed. It would be nice to feel like you’re family, but your mate grew up with these people, has a lifetime of experiences with them, and knows what they really care about. And, to be honest, some parents will always be more loyal to blood relationships than the folks who married into the family.
Given all this, limits are hard to set and even harder to enforce. A lot of times, you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. And when you feel that type of anxiety, your overtures might come across as phony, which makes it easier for them to dislike you!
It can be a vicious cycle.
Six Special Tips for a Great Relationship with Your In-Laws:
1. Get a Mutual Understanding.
Not surprisingly, the biggest key to a great relationship with your in-laws begins with the marriage. Are you able to talk openly with each other, or do you already have communication issues between you? It’s terrific if you can explore these tricky issues together:
- What is triggering us when we’re around the in-laws?
- Are you feeling pressured, trapped, or scared? For example, do you feel pressure to do things you don’t want to do because the in-laws want you to do them?
- Do you feel shame or inadequacy in trying to make them happy?
- Do you think that you or your mate always sides with the parents?
If you can be tactful, honest, open, and respectful with your mate, there’s a really good chance you’re going to get through this just fine – together.
2. Don’t Take Sides Against Your Spouse.
Strangely, a wife and her in-laws can team up against the husband, and vice-versa. It might be tempting to spend time joking about your spouse with the people who know your spouse best – his or her parents.
The best policy is for the husband and wife to get together and agree not to discuss the ins and outs of the marriage with either set of in-laws. Yes, you’ll need to discuss what time you’re picking up or dropping off your kids at grandma’s house, but you don’t need to ruminate about how the wife doesn’t do laundry right or how the husband’s always unsociable after work. These are matters for the two of you to work out without the in-laws butting in.
3. Support Each Other in Good Relationships with Parents.
If your spouse is having trouble with his/her parents, consider being the one to keep the peace. The last thing anyone needs today is more stress. We’ve already got plenty of problems – our own, our friends’, and our society’s – nagging at us for attention.
Taking sides and supporting a fight against the parents can backfire. If your spouse makes up with his or her parents, you could be the next “odd man out.”
Remember that most people mean well, and try to stay neutral if you can’t be soothing. Above all, your spouse deserves you to uphold your wedding vows and support a healthy marriage between the two of you.
Sometimes, people need help navigating these waters if the issues are very pervasive or intense. If that’s the case, don’t hesitate to seek it.
4. Let It Go If It’s Not All That Important.
Did you ever stop in the middle of a fight and wonder if it’s really so important who wins? We all want to be right, and we all want to win. But sometimes it’s just important to acknowledge that everyone has a personal point of view, and it’s perfectly okay to differ. You don’t have to lie and say you agree, but you don’t have to press the issue, either.
5. Communicate Family Values.
If you want to avoid personal fights, communicating values can help. For example, if you let your kids have cookies but your in-laws are rabid anti-sugar advocates, avoid telling them it’s none of their business. Instead, try communicating the values behind your rules. “We believe that it’s okay for them to have wholesome cookies as long as they eat the healthy food we provide at meals,” or, “We teach our kids how to snack lightly and in moderation, but we don’t forbid any food.” That takes it out of the personal “you shoulda…” or “you shouldn’t…” attacks.
It is great if your in-laws establish healthy boundaries themselves. But if they do not, then it is important that as a couple, you create boundaries and enforce them.
6. Maintain Integrity.
If you find yourself sacrificing your values to make an in-law happy, or promising to do something that goes against your values, you’re in trouble. And if you’re breaking promises because you shouldn’t have made them in the first place, you’re in trouble. While it’s important to honor the opinions of others, it’s also important to recognize and respect your own values. It wouldn’t be right to violate them in trying to please another.
Instead, propose agreements – like peace treaties. “Okay, they’re not allowed to watch TV here, but they can watch TV when they’re visiting at your house, as long as the lights go out at 8 pm. How does that sound?” Suggestions like this open the door for negotiations rather than resentments.
Remember that all the tips I give you have the basic understanding that abuse is not okay. If anyone in the family is abusive or neglectful, seek help.
You may not be able to do anything about the person who’s overly demanding or has no boundaries, but you can get help dealing with the situation without making it worse. A helpful book to consult is Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend.
Most of all, remember what Ephesians 4:26 says about the tough times: “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.”
When you and your spouse come together and make a plan for dealing with in-law conflicts, you stand a much better chance of presenting a peaceful, united front. And what do we all want, bottom line? A peaceful, happy relationship with our spouses and extended families.
The last thing we want at the next big family gathering is someone calling the police (or you and your mate going to bed angry).
Which of these tips is your favorite, and what other tips do you suggest? I’d love to hear your ideas on the subject.
Much Love,
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