When you look back over your life, are there things that you regret and would go back and change if you could? I suspect that most folks would give a resounding, “Yes!”
Maybe you’ve had a recent reality check due to the sudden loss of a loved one, and you now regret not having spent more time with them. Or perhaps you’re feeling old age sneaking up on you, and you wish that you had taken better care of your skin or knees.
I call these regrets the “I wish I hads.” They come in many forms, but boil down to 5 basic categories: Romances and Friendships, Family and Children, Health and Spirituality, Education and Career, and Personal Triumphs.
You can use your “I wish I hads” to beat up on yourself, but research suggests that not all regrets are bad. There are several kinds of them, and some help us learn to modify behavior, while others demonstrate our willingness to take responsibility. And, in many cases, it’s not too late to resolve them.
All personal regrets are versions of the “What If” game. It’s very tempting to guess what might have happened if we’d chosen differently, but there is no guarantee that things would have turned out so very differently in the long run, even if you had. So instead of beating yourself up with regrets, be proactive by making peace with your situation first, and then taking steps to improve things if that’s still possible.
I’ve compiled a list of 25 common “I wish I hads.” Do you recognize yours?
Romances and Friendships: I wish I had…
- …not broken up with my high school sweetheart [or someone].
- …not let my marriage die/… tried harder to save my marriage.
- …asked [someone] out. (Again, I hear this often, and the “what if” game comes into play. You’ll never know what could have been. Make peace with yourself.)
- …stayed in touch with old friends.
- …traveled more with family and friends.
- …spoken at a funeral (or wedding).
Family and Children: I wish I had… - …been a better parent and spent more time with my kids. (The age-old discussion about quality vs. quantity time? Quantity time IS quality time. Parents often say they wished they had taught their kids more things like how to do home repairs, tie a necktie, fly a kite, hang a picture, change a flat, grow a . garden, apologize, save money, etc.)
- … had a better relationship with my parents and grandparents. (BTW, this includes listening to their advice! There is much wisdom to be found in the elderly, if we could only be wise enough to seek and accept it when offered.)
- …buried the hatchet with a family member [or an old friend]. (Holding grudges doesn’t resolve anything, but forgiveness does. Too often we wait until it is too late to heal these wounds. In these cases, I encourage you to think out of the box. A former client of mine had lost her brother to cancer and regretted not burying the hatchet before he died. Instead, she reestablished contact with her sister-in-law and her brother’s kids. Another client is starting a scholarship in the name of a late father that she was estranged from. She is replacing regret with healing.)
- …not run in the wrong circles as a kid [or hung out with the wrong crowd as an adult]. (Some people are bad influences and lead us astray, leaving us regretful later.)
Health and Spirituality: I wish I had… - …taken better care of my health before problems arose. (I’ve heard these examples: using sunscreen so we don’t looked wrinkled and leathered before our time; watching our weight and blood sugar; and taking better care of teeth.)
- …trusted my inner voice and/or God.
- …kept in touch with my spirituality and religion.
- …not worried so much about life, getting too caught up in needless drama. (Worry is paying a debt that you may not ever owe.)
- …been happier and less serious about life, enjoying the moment more and being more grateful and appreciative.
- …taken more chances and risks, and been more self-confidence. (Being braver is about having more self-esteem and self-confidence. It’s also appreciating yourself and your abilities.)
- …been less concerned about what other think of me.
- … expressed my true feelings and stood up for myself more. (This includes dealing with the schoolyard bully when we were kids.)
- …given back more to the world, volunteered, and made more of a contribution.
Education and Career: I wish I had… - …not chosen a practical job/career path rather than one I was passionate about. (Yes, surprisingly, this is one that I’ve heard more than once.)
- …gone to college or finished my degree.
- …avoided working too much, especially because it took a toll on my relationships with family and friends
Personal Triumphs: I wish I had… - …celebrated my achievements more.
- …been more self-disciplined.
- …built on my natural abilities and spent less time worrying about my deficits.
As you can see, people have a lot of regrets later in life. Were you able to identify any of yours? If so, why not take some time, make some calls, and connect with the people, activities, and dreams you love? And forgive yourself. It’s never too late to start leaning in the direction of where you want to go in life.
Much Love,
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