Set Your Husband Up To Succeed

When my kids were younger, and I was less wise, I too often was baited by poor behavior. I would react with nagging or criticism, not respond thoughtfully and effectively, to the behavior. One of the most magical things that I learned as a parent is when your kids act in a manner that you do not like, that reverse psychology can be very, VERY powerful. Once, my oldest child (then a pre-teen, but now an adult) was acting particularly rude towards his little brother. I purposefully and slowly turned, looked at him, paused and then calmly with a confused kind of look said to him, “Hmmm, that’s very interesting behavior. That’s really not like you.” You know what he did? He looked at me like a deer in headlights. There was no verbal push back. He was off kilter, and had a bewildered look on this face as he tried to process what had just happened. And you know what? This “psychology stuff” works with husbands too.

It is easy to criticize our mates or let them know all the ways that they disappoint us.

We do it out of frustration and in an attempt to get them to change a behavior. This can often be counterproductive. Instead, what if we were to try setting them up to believe that they do excel and that you trust them to succeed?

Seriously, what if we set up our mates, not to fail, but to succeed!

Here is what has worked with my clients. 

If your husband doesn’t recall your anniversary or birthday, plant the seed that you believe that he does and it is far more likely that he will remember them next time. Instead of starting a battle by protesting “you never remember”, or “I can’t believe that you forgot again”, try some subtle reverse psychology. Trust me on this … constant criticizing and fussing won’t work. Consider something like this, “I love how you put so much effort into remembering important things like our anniversary and my birthday. It makes me feel so loved and special. Thank you for that.” If you are physically near your mate, give him a gentle touch when you say it and your desired outcome is even more likely. If you think he may forget a simple task and you want to set him up for success try saying to your mate “I know that you don’t need to me to remind you to pick up milk on the way home, but I wanted you to know I really appreciate you doing it. It is a huge help to me.” or “I really appreciate that you are going to pick up the dry cleaning on the way home.” Speak as if you absolutely expect him to succeed. Act as if his M-O is to succeed. Give him the mental image of success. And be sure to reward him with a hug, kiss or verbal praise when he succeeds. Positive feedback goes a long way towards future behavior. And heck, you doesn’t like a little kudo or atta boy.

You may be thinking, “Hey, Kimberly, what if he doesn’t succeed? What if he does forget? Again! Then what?”

Well, he is new at this and he may very well falter in the beginning. Sometimes it takes several attempts for people to learn new things or break old patterns. You didn’t learn your multiplication table on the first try, did you? And I bet you fell off your bike many times when you were first learning to ride it. Be kind to your guy. Do not bring it up that he faltered. Instead in a confident and unbothered manner say, “oh, I know that you will remember it tomorrow, my love”. Remember, what you are trying to accomplish here. It is not to bash your man and make him less likely to help. It is to create a more harmonious home and have your man participate more. When your man realizes he forgot, he will feel bad. He let you down and he will be expecting you to let him know that he failed you. Don’t be baited into a fight over this. Don’t reprimand or criticize, just say “I know you will remember tomorrow” . If you need milk for the kids’ breakfast, and there is none, play ignorant. The kids can ask dad if there will be milk for their cereal in the morning. Calmly and gently say “check with your dad”. I had a client with this scenario and you know what dad did? When mom was reading the kids a bedtime story, dad went out to the store, without any prodding or nagging, and he got milk for the next day. Yes, dad got lucky that night. And if there is no milk for the kids in the morning, then I guess it is peanut butter toast and juice for breakfast. If you think your mate might be particularly stubborn in this area, start a couple of days early. If you absolutely need milk on Thursday, start the process on Monday.  And if you want your mate to remember your anniversary or birthday next time then I suggest you start with small things like milk and dry cleaning.

Give it a try.

I dare you to expect your mate to succeed and watch as they live up to your expectations. You might just be pleasantly surprised.

Love,