The Best Time to Save Your Marriage

Did you know that the first Monday in January is infamously known as “divorce day”? According to divorce attorneys, and to the best of my memory, the number of couples making appointments to file for divorce goes up by a third on this day.

Woman to woman and friend to friend, I hope you never find yourself in the attorney’s office on that day (or any day for that matter).

Of all those marriages shattering in 2018, how many could be saved with the right steps? How many couples can avoid “divorce day 2019” by taking the necessary adjustments to make things better than in 2017 or 2016?

I realize most couples have tried their best. And, I know not every marriage can (or should) be saved. But, I DO believe that a great many can be. How many of those couples could have been happily celebrating the new year with an intact family?

When distressed couples settle on plans to end their marriages in divorce, they’re seeking relief from the weight and pain of previous years. And, without guidance, it’s likely they wouldn’t have known how to apply the four very basic practices I’m going to reveal now. But, if they had started them in 2017, their plans to end their marriages in 2018 might have become completely unnecessary.

Here are those four very basic exercises. They’ve been extremely helpful to thousands of marriages in distress:

1. Ask your mate what makes them feel truly loved and happy.

Then, set about doing those things without any expectation of reciprocation. There’s no scorekeeping or tit for tat involved in this exercise. Love that survives is love that’s unconditional.

Sometimes we focus so much on “our” needs that we forget we’re two parts of a whole.

I’ve found there tends to be a natural giveback effect built into this exercise. For example, when one partner feels the other is doing kind and loving things towards or for them, without demanding that the favor is returned, the receiving partner feels a natural instinct to return kindness and love. 

2. Be less rigid in your approach to love, home, and family.

I know couples who fight about the way the canned goods are put into the pantry. The labels all have to face out. Yet, the person insisting on this is not even the one that does the cooking! (I wish this was allegorical, but I’m being serious.)

Oftentimes, the things a partner is being rigid about may seem right, familiar, or logical to them, but it’s not the only way.

Ask yourself, “Would everyone agree this is the only way to do it?” True is, it’s very unlikely.

Then ask, “Is my rigidity on this issue a kind of test for my mate?” Sometimes, unconsciously, the answer is “yes.” When you have a habit of testing your mate, you’re almost creating an opportunity for them to fail.

I promise that given enough tests, your mate will fail. I fail my husband at times, and he, too, fails me. Fortunately, our marriage is not based on tests but rather on the repairs we make when we fail each other.

3. Learn how to communicate better (and, yes, this includes listening as well as talking).

Don’t just be clear in your communication, but dig deep enough to understand your own personal wants, needs, desires, and motivations.

This can be scary stuff, but also highly rewarding. It’s the fabric of a good relationship.

I had to learn that it gets me nowhere to expect the hubby to intuit, know, or read my mind when I want something. Clear communication goes a long way a lot faster and sets our mates up for a greater rate of success.

4. Recognize when you are harboring resentments or starting down the road to apathy.

Resentments and apathy can come from simple things like a difference in sexual desire, the time you felt your mate disrespected you in front of friends, or when you entrusted them with a deep wound or fear that they shared without your permission.

When a mate continually dismisses something as trivial, and you see it as important, that can set you both on the road to hopelessness, which then leads to apathy.

Apathy, by the way, is a marriage killer. Once it takes hold, the relationship is basically on life support and just waiting for someone to pull the plug.

Maybe a miracle will happen, and the marriage can be revived. However, it’s easier to save your marriage well before it’s evident it needs saving.

If you want to create (or co-create) your own miracle, these four simple principles can do you a world of good. Just remember that although they’re simple, they may not feel easy. Chances are, if you’ve stored up resentments or made rigid judgments about your mate’s character, you’ve got to unlearn some habits and practice new ones before these solutions feel natural.

In any case, the time to take action is now.
The time to pray is now.
The time to save your marriage is now.  
The time to plan for a great year is now.

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When your marriage takes a negative turn, how do you react? Have you used any of these techniques, and which were most helpful? Do you have others to share?

Committed to Marriages,