Promises for a Wildly Successful Marriage

I love – really, really love – weddings.

Weddings focus on the romantic side of love and marriage, and, like many people, I love that side. But sometimes, as I listen to the vows, I can’t help but wonder, “Do these young couples have a clue about what they’re getting themselves into?”

Do they believe in “for better or worse” and “in sickness and health”? Do they know what’s really entailed when they promise to listen, rub their partner’s back, remember what they love about their partner, and never go to bed angry? BTW, the idea of never going to bed angry is a huge topic, all by itself. Read a recent post on the discussion Is NEVER Go to Bed Angry Good Advice?

Do these couples realize that, at times, it will be SO MUCH HARDER than they imagined? And do they understand love may not always be enough?

I know I didn’t. Any couple married for any length of time will tell you that. 🙂

While vows are like the commandments you use to guide your marriage, sometimes I like to think of them of as promises. Marital success boils down to making and keeping promises to yourself and to your partner. Here are my favorites, the ones I would make if I were getting married today or renewing my vows today.

1. I Promise to Forgive Regularly and Fully.

We are flawed humans that WILL make mistakes and WILL hurt one another. I understand it’s necessary to forgive and forgive fully.

I promise never to tell you I you forgive you unless I really mean it. Yep, this means I must forgive you for what you’ve done, whether knowingly or unknowingly, that hurts or upsets me. This includes whatever you say or do when hangry 😉

Understandably, some things are more easily forgiven than others.
We must learn to forgive without strings attached.
And bargaining simply doesn’t work. (“I will forgive you if you ________.”)

Saying you forgive, only to bring up the scenario repeatedly in the future, is not forgiveness.  It’s much more honoring to the relationship to be honest and say, “It’s really hard to forgive at this time, and more time is needed.”

2. I Promise to Be Grateful for You and to Appreciate What We Have.

I bet you’ve heard the saying that what you focus on is what you see the most. It is true. Once you buy a new car, you suddenly see that model everywhere! It’s not like the sales of that model suddenly exploded, but your mind is more interested and finds more cars like the one you just got.

Here’s a little secret. Being grateful is a decision. A choice.

Yep, you get to decide if you’re going to be grateful or not.  And on top of that, being grateful cannot exist at the same time as being negative.

Being grateful is a choice.

3. I Promise to Be Your Biggest Advocate, to Sacrifice for You, and to Believe in You and Our Future.

I promise to believe in you and be your biggest supporter, encourager, and all-around fan. I will support you and encourage you in your hopes and dreams. 

When you’ve forgotten your strengths and gifts, I’ll remind you. I will encourage you to follow the dreams God puts in your heart. And, I promise to sacrifice when it helps you make those dreams come true. I do it gladly, because it makes our lives and marriage better and stronger.

4. I Promise to Guard Our Marriage Against Foreign and Domestic Forces, Not Letting Other People or Things Supersede or Interfere in Our Relationship.

Interests outside the marriage, like in-laws, friends, careers, hobbies, volunteering, and much more can interfere in a relationship. Especially old flames, but even innocuous things like TV shows and YouTube can distract and interfere.

I promise to put our marriage first, and will think before I say “no” to you and “yes” to others. I vow to make our marriage a priority and help build harmony and reliability into the mix.

5. I Promise to Never to Complain to Others About You and/or Our Marriage.

I will never violate the sanctity of our bond by bringing other people into a complaint about you. I will never betray, embarrass, or shame you by telling my BFF or mom about your biggest fears, vulnerabilities, or our last big argument.

I will maintain our privacy, as complaining about you will simply bias my friends, other relatives, and acquaintances about you and won’t help me maintain a harmonious relationship with you in the long run. 

We both understand some couples deal with extreme situations such as violence or self-destructive behavior (drugs, gambling, alcoholism, etc.), and it may be necessary to seek wise outside counsel.

6. I Promise to Be Physically and Emotionally Faithful Instead of Seeking Emotional Comfort from Someone Else of the Opposite Sex.

I promise to actively build trust in our relationship instead of undermining the foundations of our marriage by flirting with others, confiding my deepest secrets to them, or lusting after coworkers or celebrities.

I promise to let you know why I feel desire for you and see you as a valuable human being. The only emotional affair I have is with you.

I use my desire for stability and comfort in my marriage as a guideline for what I do and say, never comparing you negatively with others. I seek attention from you and give positive attention to you freely, even as we age together.

7. I Promise to Understand There Are No Egalitarian Marriages and We Will Both Be the Stronger One at Times.

As life ebbs and flows, showing each of us our strengths and weaknesses, I will willingly accept these qualities in each of us. I realize that expecting a 50/50 marriage leads to scorekeeping and makes us critical of each other.

I promise to give you and our marriage 100% of my capabilities, knowing that, at times, one or both of us will fall short. 

8. I Promise to Surround Us with People Who Believe in and Support Us, Our Marriage, and Marriage in General.

Because marriage, like raising children, is not easy if done right, I promise to get real and find supportive influences for myself and our marriage.

Knowing that at some point, one or both of us may feel like giving up on the marriage, I promise to pre-arm ourselves with friends and acquaintances who believe in marriage and support it in general, as well as those who’ve had a great track record in maintaining a healthy marriage.

9. I Promise to Make Myself Responsible for My Own Happiness or Unhappiness.

Because I understand that romantic comedies are often based on myths, I recognize I am the only person responsible for my own completion and happiness. I do not hold you hostage or blame you when I’m unhappy. 

I joyfully contribute to the mutual happiness we can find together in marriage, not because you’re the perfect human being who can make up for my deficits, but because I love you and find the courage to love myself, no matter wif we’re currently stumbling or soaring through life.

When we run into snags, I focus on the good in each of us until we find a higher ground where it’s easier to give thanks.

10. I Promise to Respect You.

While we each have our own hopes, ideas, quirks, and dreams, I won’t demean yours, put you down, or expect you to make up for mine.

I promise not to love just the future you and obsess over what you’re not, but to love the you that you are today and the you who’s evolving over time. I will freely express my admiration for you, and I promise to learn, grow, and gain knowledge to help our relationship be stronger.

11. I Promise to Communicate the Best I Can and to Make My Thinking Visible.

Before I give this promise, I want to make a personal confession. When I am upset, I “go dark” or have a “brownout,” as my hubby calls it. It’s like having the lights out or set to dim. It’s not a silent treatment, but a time for me to reflect.

This can be scary for some people. When we were dating, it was scary for my soon-to-be husband, because his late wife was more vocal about what she was feeling, and he was afraid the brownouts meant I was considering leaving him. So, this vow is meant to sidestep any hidden expectations or fears resulting from differences in styles of communication:

I promise to think before speaking, so I can be honest, tactful, and considerate at the same time.

When I need time or space to think alone, I promise to take that time without shutting you out by letting you know when I need it. I promise to let you know, when appropriate, that I feel better having had time to think, what I was thinking about and especially to reassure you my intention during this private time is to take better care of myself so I can take care of you and our marriage.

12. I Promise to Pursue a Healthy Relationship

I vow to check in with you regularly to see how you’re doing, so I can do the little (and big) things that create a healthy relationship overall.

I vow to find ways to surprise and delight you. I will study you to see what kinds of things you like and don’t like, and incorporate everything you like into my gifting decisions, suggestions for entertainment, food choices, and other things.

To take your views into consideration when we discuss child-rearing, investments, career choices, which friends to pursue, and where to live. I look for ways to compromise, create new solutions, and fulfill the essentials of what we both want.

No matter whether you call them vows or promises, your intentions upon entering into a marriage have everything to do with your levels of success. When the two of you have articulated your dreams and aspirations for the marriage, you’re much more likely to succeed, especially when you keep a written copy and remind yourself of your own promises often.

Nobody goes into a marriage wanting discord and animosity, and that’s why these vows and promises are so important. There is a secret silver lining to keeping all your promises, too. You will like yourself better.

13. I Promise to Not Give Up Hope and Not Threaten Divorce

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What vows/promises did you make at your wedding? Which of these will help you or resonate with you the most? Do you have more good ones to add? Let me know what you think!

Here’s to more happy weddings and more intentional vows/promises,