4 Critical Steps to Preventing Marital Distress

I have always been of the belief that prevention is the best treatment. Even in my classroom (I teach at a local university also, in case you didn’t know), I find that creating an environment which prevents disruptions is better than having to address and discipline disruptions. The same rule applies to our health. It’s better to treat our bodies well and prevent illness than to have to battle sickness. 

Your marriage is no different. It is ALWAYS better to take intentional steps in preventing marital distress than it is to combat the heartache, frustration, and unraveling that comes with a marriage in trouble. 

To avoid a marriage 911, here are four very basic (but very necessary) exercises you can implement with your spouse.

4 Ways to Avoid Marital Trouble

1. Ask your mate what you can do to make them feel loved and happy.

Yes, love that lasts is unconditional, but intentionally loving your mate in the way they most desire can go a long way in building romantic feelings for one another.  If you don’t ask, you may not know. You may think your mate has wanted one thing all along and yet you could’ve been way off. Maybe you thought your mate liked quiet time to relax alone when really what they wanted was to be cuddled or have their hand held. 

Find out what they most want or need and then set out to do these things without any expectations. Don’t expect them to respond any certain way or with any reciprocation. Expectations quite often lead to disappointment. Instead, focus on putting your love for them in action. 

We all too often forget that a marriage is about two people and not just one. If you nurture your mate, you are nurturing your marriage (and ultimately you) too.

2. Be more flexible.

We’re all creatures of habit. I get it. I know couples who bicker over the way the dishwasher is loaded. Or how the pantry is packed. Or what temperature the thermostat is set on at night. 

How often do you fight for things to be the way you think they should be? Oftentimes, the things we’re rigid about may seem right, familiar, or logical to us, but we have to remember that our way is not the only way. Who said your way is right or best???

Are you being flexible with your mate? Or do you insist on things being your way? Do you set a list of rules or expectations for how things should be done and then “test” your mate on their ability to follow your preferences? 

When you have a habit of testing your mate, you’re setting them up for eventual failure. I promise that given enough tests, your mate will fail. No one is perfect. I fail my husband at times, and he, too, fails me. Fortunately, our marriage is not based on tests but rather on the repairs we make when we fail each other.

3. Be a better listener and communicator. 

So, so, so many hurts come from mere misunderstandings. Be clear in your communication. Calmly express your feelings, desires, and needs to your mate. Your mate doesn’t have a crystal ball so don’t treat them like a mind reader. Clear communication goes a long way a lot faster and sets our mates up for a greater chance of success.

To be able to do this, you’ll have to be willing to dig down deep enough into you to understand your own personal wants, needs, desires, and motivations. This isn’t easy and what you find might not always be pretty. But, it’s necessary and healthy to explore those areas. 

On the flip side, you’ve got to ask your mate questions to better understand them too. And then, you have to do the hardest part….listen! Communication isn’t just about what’s said but also about what’s heard. Try repeating back to your mate what you think you heard them communicate to you. If you understand correctly, ask them to continue. If you do not interpret correctly, ask them to reword it and try again. 

4. Watch out for resentment and apathy.

Resentment arises from simple things like a difference in sexual desire, the time you felt your mate disrespected you or belittled you in front of others, or when you were vulnerable with a deep wound or fear and your mate shared that information with someone else without your permission.

When your spouse continually dismisses something you see as important, you can begin to feel hopeless. And unfortunately, hopelessness can lead to apathy.

And apathy is a marriage killer. Once apathy sets in, it’s difficult to turn things around. Not impossible, but very difficult. Recognizing bitterness and resentment and helping to uproot it quickly from your heart and your mate’s is necessary to preventing apathy and in preventing a marriage in trouble. 

The time to prevent marital distress is now. The time to be intentional is now. The time to pray for your mate and your marriage is now. The time to unlearn some bad habits and replace them with good ones is now. The time to stave off divorce is now. The future of your marriage is worth it. 

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When you and your mate are in a valley, how do you react? What techniques do you use to revive love, communication, and marriage? What have you seen work for others?

In the Biz of Preventing Troubles,