Are Your Friends Helping or Hurting Your Marriage?

If you’ve read many of my previous blogs, you know I’m all for “girlfriendships.”

Yes, our hubbies are our friends, but women also need their best gal pals – their tribe. Our female friendships fill needs in our lives that it’s just unfair to ask our men to fill. (I mean, can he really pick out the best color for our mani/pedis like our besties do??)

But, do you have friends who actually damage your relationships?

Here is why I ask.

Recently, I have had more than one client tell me a similar story about friends being disrespectful towards their husbands and marriages in general.

My client, Sonja, said one of her best friends gave her a hard time because for Christmas, Sonja’s husband (Ted) bought her a vacuum and floor mats for her car. Sonja’s friend, Talia, made a big deal of it and told her she wouldn’t have tolerated that if it were her. Apparently Talia found the idea of getting a vacuum as a gift to be appalling. (Personally, I’d love one of those robo vacuums that eliminate the time-sucking chore for me.) Sonja was left to defend her husband, and Talia was unwilling to listen to why she really appreciated the gifts.

What Talia didn’t know was Sonja had been looking at buying a new vacuum, and the hubby knew this. Ted researched vacuums for hours upon hours and got her a top-of-the line vacuum that had more attachments, more power (dog hair is an issue) and a higher rating than what Sonja was considering. (Pause for applause for Ted in being so observant and thorough.)  And the floor mats were for Sonja’s new car. They live in a snow area, so Ted wanted her car floors to stay dry to protect the new carpet. Upon further reflection, Sonja realized that Talia had a consistent habit of disrespecting her husband.

Talia is one of the “friends” who can be bad for your marriage. Sure, she may mean no harm, but people like Talia speaking ill of your spouse can slowly undermine your intentions of having an excellent relationship. They can habitually criticize or even ignore your spouse. They may not even acknowledge that your spouse is an important part of your life.

Watch Out for These Types of Friends

Maybe they were your friend before you got married and feel like they’ve been replaced. Or, maybe you previously shared a marital issue that you and your mate were dealing with, and out of sheer loyalty, your friend is always trying to defend you or your side.  Or, perhaps your friend fits into another category that can be bad for your marriage: folks who just do not believe in marriage.

Not believing in marriage is often caused by something that has happened in their past. Whatever it was, it turned them sour to marriage and commitment. It could have started with something like the bitter divorce of their parents. It could have been something they personally experienced, like a betrayal or bad breakup.

Their anti-marriage stance may be a temporary condition, so don’t just toss the friend away carelessly because they are in a bad season. Give it time, but make sure to take care of yourself and your commitments, too.

There’s another type of friend that you need to be careful of, too: friends that pit you against your husband or family. They might tell you things like, “You shouldn’t have to give into needs or demands from your family.” They might encourage you to come home late or drop your commitment to the PTA. This kind of thinking can undermine the fabric of your relationship, because it encourages you to be thoughtless, not thoughtful, when it comes to family.

Beware of a friend who has a different moral compass than you. They can be corrosive to a family and marriage. This goes beyond encouraging little things like coming home late. This is a person that is reckless or morally corrupt. “Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.’” (1 Corinthians 15:33, NIV)

Tony knew he had to distance himself from a co-worker who frequented prostitutes. And Tammy had a friend with a habit of shoplifting. She encouraged her friend to get help, but had to set very clear boundaries to prevent herself from getting sucked in.

The final type of friend that you need to reconsider is a “friendship” with an ex. I know some people say it is entirely possible to remain friends with an ex. But in my research and experiences, it undermines the fabric of your marriage to still have an old flame in your life. Remember that your ex is an ex for a reason. Let it go; devote yourself to the person you married. It’s hard to fuel the fire in your marriage when an old flame is still in the picture. (Isn’t there some old country song that says something along those lines???)

Taking Caution with These Marriage-Unfriendly Friends

I’m such an advocate for relationships, and your marriage relationship is most definitely priority. Because I know we love our gal-pals too, here are three things you can do to take care of yourself around these friends:

1. Keep your eyes on the prize.

As Christians, we are encouraged to love everybody. Just remember that it’s also healthy to have boundaries and priorities of your own choosing, and you’ve chosen to have a great relationship regardless of your friend’s opinion.

2. Be authentic.

If your friend is persistent, reaffirm to her that you chose this relationship and that it’s very important to you. Ask her to support you by supporting your marriage. You can support her decision to choose a different lifestyle, of course.

3. Tune it out.

Sometimes our friends just need to vent, but their conclusions spill over and can sound like advice. If you haven’t asked for advice or responded to any offered, eventually the unwanted advice will come less and less often.

Is friendship important to a marriage? Absolutely! Remember, I’m not talking about the friendship between you and your hubby (which is most certainly important). I’m talking about our other friends. These friendships can nurture us, uplift us when feeling low, and center us. But not all friendships are created equal, and some can actually hurt our marriages if you don’t recognize the signs and know how to handle them.

Consider the previous examples. Do you have friends with conflicting priorities, destructive habits, or contradictory beliefs? Do they openly sabotage or undermine your marriage? Let me know how you’ve dealt with anything like this and how it worked for you.

For friends and for marriages,