50/50 Relationships: Do They Work?

I hear people talking constantly about how they want a relationship where everything is equal and fair: a true partnership.

In other words, they want a 50/50 proposition.

Well, I hate to burst the bubble, but 50/50 relationships just don’t work. And they don’t work for these five reasons:

1. Monitoring

In order to have a 50/50 relationship, you have to be monitoring to determine if you are giving more than 50% and getting less than your 50%. No relationship can survive this constant scorekeeping and comparison. It also puts you in the position of constantly judging or critiquing your mate’s performance pattern. Is that really where you want your focus to be?

2. No Model

We assume that we know what 50/50 looks like. Yet, I’ve worked with couples who believe in that formula, and none of them have ever found a great way of defining what a healthy 50/50 relationship truly looks like. Usually, they can’t agree on the components involved or how to divide the activities, chores, tasks, and decisions so things end up being 50/50.

3. No Flexibility

You and your partner are each better at different things. Doesn’t it make sense to divide tasks and activities based on who enjoys them or is best at them, rather than based on “equality” alone? Does one of you cook better? Does one of you enjoy yardwork? Does one of you have a flexible work schedule that makes it easy to take the kids to school?

4. Comparisons

A common basis for judging whether or not you’re getting your fair share is to compare your mate’s way of doing things with your own way of doing them. The nature of judgment is that we tend to judge any job performance to be lacking unless it’s done the same way that we would have done it. No matter how your mate completes a job, you’re liable to find that your expectations weren’t met.

5. Human Nature

Conversely, it’s well-documented human nature to judge that the 50% of what we give is superior. And, we tend to assume that the 50% we give is exactly what our partner wants. Could this be open to misinterpretation?

What if you and your partner both decide to give 100%? How would that look?

What if you went all out and gave it all to the relationship? I’m not talking about being a doormat or a victim. I mean to go all out in communication, kindness, supporting each other’s hopes and dreams, and treating the relationship as more important than either of you as separate individuals.

And what if you and your mate play to your strengths? What if both you and your mate identify your personal strengths and focus on what each of you do well? Divide up the tasks the are left, find a way to make them palatable or hire them out.

I guarantee that one or both of you will have trials, hurdles, and weak moments. At times, your 100% may look more like 10% to an outsider. That 10% may actually be the very best you can do at the moment, and your partner knows that. It’s so much easier for your partner to be strong and supportive at times like this, knowing that you normally give it your all.

Lastly, I want you to consider this question: Do you believe that this person has good intentions towards you?

If so, then insisting on a 50/50 relationship (egalitarian) is destructive to the fabric of the relationship. It’s based on a habit of scorekeeping and the distinct possibility the one or the other of you will feel lack, either because you think you’re failing to hold up your side or because you think your mate’s failing to. If you don’t believe that your partner has good intentions towards you, then a 50/50 relationship will not fix the problems in the relationship.

Much Love,