How to Pray With Your Husband

My aunt had a sign posted in her house when I was growing up. It was simple and to the point: “The family that prays together stays together.”

When I was a little  girl, that sign always seemed comforting and comfortable. When at her house prayers were said every day with predictable ceremony. As I grew up and became more sophisticated, many ceremonial rituals gave way to more cosmopolitan, modern ways.

In a lot of ways, the institution of marriage has changed as well in modern times. But a little bit of ceremony can go a long way in keeping your focus on the reasons you’re together in the first place.

Does Prayer Really Help?

FamilyLife® did a survey of Christian couples and discovered that under 8% of them prayed together regularly and that between 23-30% of couples had experienced divorce. But in a 2001 Southern Baptist Convention poll of Christian couples who do pray together regularly, the divorce rate was under 1%.

My aunt really must have been on to something. Does it surprise you to find that those couples who pray together stay together?

Why We Don’t Pray Together

You already guessed reason #1, didn’t you? It’s time. We are all used to complaining about lack of time. We feel pressured to do this and that. Obligated to help this one and that one. Compelled to put our own family’s needs first, even when we’re swamped with other obligations to church, community, work, etc.

You’d think that we’d lost faith in the power of prayer, wouldn’t you?

That brings us to reason #2: Some of us think of prayer as a perfunctory ceremony with little value or relevance today. For example, after saying grace before meals for year in and year out, it can become mindless. Without paying any attention to the prayer, it turns into a rote recitation. So, our belief (or lack of belief) in the inherent value of prayer plays a big role in how we pray and the amount of benefit we get out of it.

Reason #3: Insecurity, feeling awkward praying in front of each other or out loud, or uncertainty about being the one to initiate a prayer.

Let’s see if we can alleviate some of these concerns.

How to Pray Together Joyfully

Before we get too deeply into what you *should* be doing, let’s put your minds at ease. If praying together is supposed to be so good for our relationships, let’s lighten up, take a deep breath, and remember that we always have support for any spiritual growth we want to do, whether together or individually.

“For where two or three have gathered together in My name, there I am in their midst.” Matthew 18:20

Just reading this little Bible verse puts you at ease, doesn’t it? So, take a deep breath, and let’s explore the “how” while we set aside any embarrassment, awkwardness, silliness, or excuses. If it’s good for us, we can find a way to fit it into our days quite comfortably.

How Do We Pray Together, Even When We Have Obstacles?

Here are 5 basic rules I like to follow and use in my practice. They’re easy, painless, and anyone can do them. As you’ll see, following these simple guidelines tends to smooth out any obstacles you might face.

1. Initiate Prayer with Ease

If you’re wanting to start a regular prayer practice or even do a one-time shot, here’s an easy way to initiate it. Ladies, some people think that the man, as spiritual head of the household, should do the initiating; but let’s face it, holding a shotgun to his head and forcing him to be the one to initiate everything might not be your best option if you’d like this ceremony to be peaceful and loving. So, don’t be afraid, no matter who initiates it.

Here’s an easy way to get started. If you see your man running off to work with a worried look, or returning in exhaustion, feel free to ask, “Can I pray for you real quick?” Usually he won’t object. Then take him by the hand or lay a hand on his shoulder, and offer a quick, lightweight prayer in an attitude of loving kindness. “Lord, watch over this dear man today, as I hold him lovingly in my heart. Amen.” Then let it go.

Believe it or not, sometimes the shortest prayers are the simplest, because they’re to the point and don’t introduce any drama. People on the receiving end of prayers like this don’t usually throw up resistance. (Hint: they don’t have time!)

Another approach for getting started together is just to pick 5-10 things you’re grateful for today. Do you see how simple this can be? It’s perfectly okay to ease into it.

2. Keep it Short

As stated, focusing a prayer on very general words and feelings helps keep the prayer on track and make the experience pleasant. This will encourage both of you, as there is no huge set of rules to follow. You don’t have to remember to include everybody in the planet. You don’t have to delve into all your deep issues, and you don’t have to cover everything in one quick prayer. The goal here is to simply introduce the idea of praying together without fear, expectations, or rules. Make it pleasant, as that makes it more sustainable over time.

3. Keep to the Topic

If you have a lot of issues you’re dealing with as a family, or if you have some issues that are particularly sensitive, you don’t have to dive right into the deep end and use this time for that type of prayer. For example, if you have concerns about your intimacy, you don’t have to bring them up when you’re praying together. That might seem to be contraindicated advice for praying as a couple, but when you think about it, God knows your thoughts and is always available to you. You can pray for guidance for either or both of you in your private prayers if you think that bringing up sensitive issues might embarrass one or the other of you in your couple’s prayers.

The goal here is not to heap guilt, shame, or insecurities on top of the problems that you’ve already got going. Rather the goal is to develop your relationship with God as a couple in a way that’s soothing and relaxed for both parties.

4. Pray for Each Other, Your Marriage, or Your Community

As you find a routine time that works for you both, and you remain flexible as needed, you can focus as narrowly or broadly as you wish to do. If you want to pray for world peace and your husband wants to pray for your child’s broken leg to heal, let each other feel comfortable with whatever feels natural. Avoid judging. Making sure that the process never feels burdensome and provides spiritual nourishment for both of you is the main thing. And remember, this isn’t going to be your only prayer of the day; it’s just a nice thing to do together, whether you’re on the phone long distance, or in the same room holding hands.

5. Avoid Analyzing or Over-Thinking

To keep these sessions safe for both of you, agree before making any kind of daily commitment that prayer time is a safe time for both of you to truly ask for what you would like to see. Amazingly, God has a way of working out the best outcomes for both parties even when their desires seem to be at opposite ends of the stick. Trust that everything will come out right if you don’t get in your own way or each other’s.

The universe is filled with God’s loving support. Sometimes we don’t see it, because we’re focused on our own, limited view and we push away our own support out of fear and believing that we have to do it all alone.

When you pray together, you not only practice the vulnerability of setting aside your egos for a bit and truly joining as a couple, but you practice the feeling of allowing God to flow in and uplift your life. This can only be beneficial for you as a couple, and the evidence found in the surveys cited above seems to back up this notion.

I suggest making a commitment to pray together daily for 7 to 30 days (ideally 30) to get into the swing of things. Just remember that if you miss a day for some reason, beating yourselves up is not okay. Simply move back into the practice, even if you or your spouse misses a day or two. There is nothing stronger and more loving than a flexible, determined, pure intention to infuse the relationship with good.

What advice do you think will work best for your family? Do you pray together now, and what is your experience with trying such a practice? I’d love to hear from you. By the way, check out our related article on the 7 Benefits to Praying with Your Mate.

Love,