The 4 Essential Types of Talk that Every Couple Needs

There are four essential types of talk that each couple will use regularly, usually unknowingly.

If you have the feeling that everything is going great in your relationship, checking the kinds of communication you have against this list might provide you with insight as to why.

If you feel a nagging feeling that “something’s wrong,” but don’t know what it is, this list might provide you with some clarity.

Communication is a two-way street, and there are a few main byways you need to use if you want a good experience.

Essential Talk 1: Brief Talk

This is the kind of talk that shares, gathers, or updates day-to-day information.

Examples are: sharing that the neighbor stopped by to borrow the ladder; letting your mate know that Back to School night is next Tuesday or that little Suzie got an invite to a sleepover on Saturday; offering to pick up something from the store on the way home; or telling your spouse that Bob and Marge want to do dinner next month. All of these are brief talk.

Brief talk is low pressure and very casual. It should be relaxed, yet purposeful. The authors of the book Fighting for Your Marriage state that this kind of casual talk is necessary to help couples get through the nitty-gritty details of life and that it should be polite, upbeat, and respectful.

Ideally, brief talk makes up 5-10% of a couple’s communication.

Essential Talk 2: Problem-Solving Talk

Although some might call it arguing or fighting, this type of talk should be just as the name suggests: all about solving problems. The goal is to resolve and restore.

Understandably, there will be ebbs and flows in how much time a couple will need to spend in problem-solving talk. Inevitably, situations arise that create a need for more time spent doing this. For example, a sick child, death of a family friend, considering a career change, job loss, teenager skipping school, a new baby, or an empty nest just around the corner. These can all lead to highly charged feelings, conversations, and arguments.

If this type of talk, however, is taking up more than 10% of your couple’s talk time, then it’s likely that the underlying issues are not getting resolved. Many of the problems or conflicts could simply be repeats of the same deeper problem with a slightly different façade.

There are often two levels of each issue: the submerged and the visible. You might also call them the known and the unknown. If only the visible or obvious parts of a problem are being addressed, the submerged part may keep surfacing in different shapes and forms to try to be dealt with.

Restoring after a problem is equally important. If one or both of the partners feels deeply wounded, then it is important to the future of the relationship that effort be put into restoring trust, love, and security so that the partners can recover.

Essential Talk 3: Tribe Talk

Tribe talk is the type of talk that you have with your people, your tribe. It’s friendship talk. This is where you chit-chat and share information. Couples talking about hopes, dreams, interests, thoughts, projects, books, experiences, or even politics is tribe talk. It’s friendly talk, but not deeply intimate. It’s talk you could have sitting at Starbucks or on a long distance call with your sister.

The authors of the marriage guide 12 Hours to a Great Marriage say that this kind of talk also includes careful listening and being supportive.

Tribe talk should be the bulk of your talk and should include a wide variety of topics and moods: serious, casual, reminiscing, laughing, and bantering.

A minimum of 50% of your talking should be tribe talk. In wildly successful couples, tribe talk hovers around 70%. That’s a great goal.

Essential Talk 4: Intimate Talk

Tribe and problem-solving talk, when done well, often lead to intimate talk. Now, I don’t mean that intimate talk is necessarily about intimate topics. By intimate talk, I mean a deeper level of communication, the type of talk that gives people a feeling of connection, security, and attachment. Intimate talk offers a level of trust and vulnerability that isn’t found in other ways.

This type of communication is reserved for very few people in your life, or maybe just your mate. This is bonding talk that reveals deep fears and shares wishes and dreams. This is often where both of you are your most vulnerable. Some folks are more secure in their relationship and find it easier to have intimate talks.

If intimate talk between you and your mate is less than 5%, or even non-existent, then it may be time to seek professional help. Intimate talk provides true depth and the opportunity to be known by your partner. It can be the glue that holds a couple together.

Individual couples are going to find their balance of talk types in different ratios. Below, I’ve listed a quick summary of the general allotments of time you can reasonably expect to invest in each type of talk. If you find yourself spending 50% of your talk time in problem-solving, 20% in tribe talk, or 0% in intimate talk, then ask yourself if the relationship is really feeding you or your mate. It might be time to reconnect with some dates, seek help, or spend positive time together in other ways.

As you go through the seasons of life together, different events will necessitate changing patterns of communication. There is no “right or wrong” in this formula; it’s simply meant as an insight or helpful information for you.

Brief talk:                    5-10%

Problem-solving talk:  5-10%

Tribe talk:                    50-70%

Intimate talk:              5-10%

Happy Talking,