If you’re alive in this century, you’ve probably heard of “quiet quitting.” Usually, quiet quitting means an employee has quit trying to do their best but doesn’t leave their position. They do the bare minimum amount and quality of work to avoid getting fired. There is no joy, feeling of purpose, camaraderie, or hope of getting anything good out of work.  

What is Quiet Quitting Your Marriage and What are Quiet Quitting Relationship Signs?

Did you know that sometimes people “quiet quit” their relationships? They’re present, buuuut not really all “there.” They may not be making any demands or complaints, but they spend less time with you or the family. They can become more withdrawn, less helpful with chores, and less communicative. When it comes to the relationship, they may be physically present, but signs of affection, intimate conversations, adult play, and even physical intimacy can decrease over time. This can also be called “cold zoning.”

Strangely, a quiet quitter might not argue or complain as much as they used to. They may not want to have as much involvement in the relationship, so they don’t put forth the effort. They don’t leave, and they may not want to leave, even if they fantasize sometimes about a different life. 

Meanwhile, you might try to get them more involved, set up dates, or ask them what’s wrong, but you don’t get much of a response. If they do go with you to visit friends, for example, they don’t talk about anything “real.”

You might start to feel like you lost your best friend even though they are living in the same house. 

Your feelings alone are not enough to tell you exactly what’s wrong, and they certainly don’t give you a formula for making things better. Although you can feel your partner pulling away from you, very often, the quiet quitter is having problems that have nothing to do with the relationship. It could be anything: a midlife crisis, bad news that you don’t know about, an event that affected your partner but didn’t affect you the same way, fear of losing a job, fears about health or money, etc. 

Reasons for Quiet Quitting a Relationship

There are lots of reasons why your partner might fall into quiet quitting, and “shutting down” might take some of the pressure off them. It might feel like coasting on a bike instead of pedaling. They may see the act of not confiding in you a way to make things one step less complicated. So, you might be able to empathize with your mate, but the basic problem of less intimacy still needs to be addressed.

There are other forms of quiet quitting, as the same tactic can be applied to friendships, colleagues, bosses, acquaintances, etc. Most of the time, not speaking up is regarded as a courtesy when applied to these types of relationships. But when quiet quitting is present in an intimate personal relationship, it’s more easily noticed by the partner and causes a lot more anguish.

Detecting Quiet Quitting or Cold Zoning: Signs of Quiet Quitting

You start to notice signs of quiet quitting. For example, your mate doesn’t miss you when you’re away, avoids arguing about things they used to care about, and avoids the simple, friendly talks about details in both your day-to-day lives. 

On a deeper level, your mate may be buying time while they’re weighing up the value of the relationship and wondering if they’re going to continue. They may be asking themselves what it would be like to be single or married to someone else. The energy they put into mulling over these matters takes away energy that could be used to make sure the relationship’s good.

Your mate may be suffering from a depression that needs attention – or they could simply be selfish and knowingly pushing you out of their lives and thoughts. 

Whatever their reason for choosing this behavior, you may feel out of balance or confused in your own home. A relationship can’t stay healthy under this long-term stress, and you’ll need clarity about what’s going on if you want to resolve the mystery. But the very nature of quiet quitting is that problems don’t get resolved. Quiet quitters can stay in sham relationships for years and never say what’s going on. 

Process Your Feelings

It will take effort to bring the relationship back into harmony, and in some cases, it won’t heal up completely. You will undoubtedly feel hurt, betrayed, unloved, or even angry. If you’re wanting to get the best possible chances of a good outcome, recognize your feelings and do the self-care you need. But don’t allow your bad feelings to ruin all your chances of reconciling or at least ending the relationship amicably.

How to Engage the Quiet Quitter in a Marriage

The best remedy or resolution will start with an honest, open, and carefully considered conversation. It may need to be a series of conversations over time. 

Jumping in too soon, however, can make things worse in the short run because your mate may feel that you’re accusing them of something or they may not be ready to move forward at the pace that you would like. This is especially true if they are in denial and are not fully aware that their avoidant behaviors are noticeable and have an impact on you. But it’s also possible that they are very aware of their behaviors and are trying to manipulate you. 

In any important conversation, it’s vital to plan your intention and strategies, because heavy conversations can worsen the situation when not broached well.

How to Have a Serious Conversation with Your Spouse to Reconnect

Plan the date, time, location, what results you’d like, what you’re going to say and how you’re going to listen. (See my article on the TALL Approach to Wildly Successful Conversations …)

1. Tell your partner you have something meaningful to express and some things you’d like to know. Tell them in advance that it will most likely take some time and understanding. Set a date, time, and place that feels safe for both of you. 
2. Ask for understanding, patience and clarity, and let them know what you’ve observed, nonjudgmentally. Share your feelings, whatever they are (insecurity, worry, confusion, sadness, etc.) without saying that they “caused” your feelings or that they intended to do so. 
3. Listen actively to what they have to say. Try to refrain from blaming or jumping to conclusions. When they realize that you’re not there to blame, you have a much better chance of getting the candor that you need. 
4. See what originally caused the behavior or feelings that sparked the process of withdrawing. Was it an argument? Disagreement? Something happening outside of the relationship? 
5. Explore possible solutions that you can both agree on. Say what you both need and what you’re searching for in the relationship. It might be something simple that can be resolved by scheduling, or it might be something deeper such as seeking therapy. If you decide to consult a friend, older relative, etc.. DO NOT go to an ex-flame or someone you feel attracted to. 
6. See if you can set a series of milestones to or a deadline for progress and improvement in the relationship. Sometimes, the relationship won’t work out, and this step may give some clarity on how it will go.

Many people find it difficult to express emotions and needs, but as hard and as scary as it is to talk about something so deep, opening up can help you find peace. 

Building a relationship takes trust and risk. If one of you is quiet quitting in your marriage and not disclosing the discomfort that’s making you do it, you’re reinforcing distrust in the relationship. With patience, open conversation, and understanding, you’re in a better position to find the best resolution.

 Warmly,