Saying No (Without Feeling Guilty)

Have you ever considered the power of small things? For example: a key. A small piece of metal, yet it’s the thing that stands between you and your home or your car. A wedding ring. Doesn’t weigh much and can easily be lost. Yet, it symbolizes the power of commitment and love. A newborn baby. So very tiny, yet holds the power to steal your heart and leave you more exhausted than you’ve ever been in your life.

Two letters – when combined – yield the power to release you from anxiety, guilt, and stress. Those two letter are N and O – the word “no.”

A small word. An utterance really. Difficult to say, but containing the power to release us into sweet, sweet freedom. Giving someone a “yes” has its time and place. It encourages us to be risk-takers and to go beyond our comfort zones. This can be useful and beneficial to growth, but only when done appropriately and responsibly.

Limitations Are Not Bad

I’m not a huge fan of the word “boundaries.” I know many people are fans of setting and enforcing boundaries and I’ve heard about them many times in my sessions with women. But I feel that all too often people throw that phrase around in more of a bullying technique to get their way rather than an opportunity to fully communicate and grow.

I see the word “no” as more of a way of acknowledging limits.

Almost everything has a limit. There’s a 24 hour limit to the day. There’s a limit to your spending (or there should be). There’s a limit to how much food you can eat, pain you can take, and physical exertion you can expend before exhausting. We are limited beings…and that is OKAY!

Limits actually protect us. Your stomach says, “No, I’m full,” to protect you from obesity. Your body says, “No, that’s enough,” to protect you from sleep deprivation. Your credit card says “No more, I’m maxed out,” to keep you from drowning in debt. These are good things. And it’s okay for you to say “no” as well.

Limitations don’t actual limit. They free. Knowing your limit gives you the freedom to maximize the time, money, energy, resources, etc that you do have. Limits create a confidence and release you from unrealistic expectations and demands. Saying “no” because of your natural, human limitations allows you to enthusiastically say “yes” to things within your realistic and reasonable abilities.

Reasons We Can’t Say “No”

We have the Superwoman Complex.

It’s a bird. It’s a plane. No, it’s Supermom. Somewhere in our history, women began getting the message that they should be able to do it all. Even Martha threw Mary under the bus for sitting and listening at the feet of Jesus rather than getting up and busying herself with work (Luke 10:38-42). We believe we should and could balance all of the demands of work, home, relationships, and service perfectly everyday. And shame to the woman who didn’t balance it all perfectly. Shame to the woman who said “no.”

Maybe it’s ingrained in us. Maybe our ability as women to multi-task and manage so many ongoing projects has led us to the point of feeling compelled to do it all.

We feel guilty.

Sigh. Guilt. It’s a powerful thing, yet combated by the power of “no.” We feel guilty when we turn someone or something down. We feel as if we’ve disappointed them, and who wants to disappoint someone? Not me! But are you letting someone else down (probably yourself) when you say “yes” instead?

Our desire to please others often leads us to overcommit. It’s as if we want to please them more than we want to meet our own needs. This isn’t being selfless. Putting others’ needs (not wants) before our own is humility. Overcommitting to others because you’re driven by guilt or people-pleasing tendencies is actually a selfish way of satisfying your own compulsions. So drop the guilt. And if someone is using blatant guilt-tripping techniques, it’s okay to tell them you don’t appreciate their one way ticket on the guilt trip and that it won’t change your answer. This isn’t aggressive – it’s assertive. Big difference.

3 Tips for Saying “No”

1. Be clear.

Sometimes “no” is what is best for you and your family. Remember: we all have limits and they are good and for our protection. Clearly state your needs and be assertive when turning someone down. A “no” that sounds doubtful may be followed back up with further requests or with someone asking you to reconsider. It’s harder for you to say “no” when they keep asking you, so don’t give them a reason to try and wear you down.

Make it clear – politely, but firmly – that your answer is no and it’s a final answer. You appreciate them considering you for the task, but you politely decline. Your time and energies are needed elsewhere – even if it’s to relax.

2. Wait to answer.

When we’re put on the spot, we can compulsively say “yes” and later regret it. Learn to delay your answer in order to buy yourself more time to consider the consequences and your full array of options. Respond with, “Can you ask me about that again tomorrow when I’ve had time to look at my calendar?” or “I need to think about that. Can I get back to you next week?” You won’t feel as much pressure to give an immediate answer and likely won’t feel guilted into anything.

3. Protect Your Time & Energy.

I have a friend who is prone to overcommitting. Knowing she will max herself out, she actually schedules blocks of time or weekends in her calendar where she is committed to nothing. It’s blocked off as personal time or family time. It’s her way of working margin or buffer space into her calendar. She rarely compromises this blocked out time. If she feels she must commit to something in that time, she will move her “black out dates” to somewhere else in the week. Instead of overcommitting to everyone else, she intentionally commits some of her time to her family and self-care instead.

Finally, if you already have said yes to something, keep your commitment. Integrity is an important characteristic and follow-through is expected. If you should need to bail, be sure to find a replacement or do your best not to put others in the bad spot.

Have you felt the struggle of wanting to say “no” but couldn’t? Or have you developed the ability to say “no”? If so, how has it freed you?

Choosing Wisely,