Toxic Friends: 3 Ways to Manage Toxic Friendships

One of the cornerstones to the Cherished Wives approach to wildly successful relationships is that we nurture our personal relationships beyond just our relationship with our mate.

Sadly, a topic that too often surfaces when discussing nurturing friendships is “What do I do about a toxic friend?” Dealing with a poisonous pal or frienemy basically boils down to one of three choices: fix it, tolerate it, or end it.

1. Fix it.

If it is fixable, then by all means, fix it. Even if fixing it is difficult. If you fix a relationship that is troubled, you will be happier and the relationship will be stronger and more cherished afterward. This is especially true if the relationship trouble arose from a temporary situation that the friend is going through like a divorce or a job loss.

2. Tolerate it.

If you have read any of my articles, attended any of my workshops, or worked with me personally then you know I am not a fan of tolerating things that drain, wound, or sabotage you. This would be especially true if a toxic friend has beliefs or behaviors that are incongruent with yours. So, option two is my least recommended option.

3. End it.

Your third option is to end the relationship. Easier said then done, right? Consider the following stats. Nearly 85% of women and 75% of men claim that they have had at least one toxic friend in their life. Further, over 80% of people surveyed said that they continued in a toxic friendship long past the point where it was healthy.

Why Do People Hold Onto Unhealthy Relationships?

Good question. They hold onto the toxic relationship because somehow it serves them. They either get to avoid a confrontation or loss, or the relationship gives them something that they do not want to give up.

Maybe the poisonous pal’s dysfunction makes them feel better about themselves and their life. Or what if the foe is a co-worker or the wife of your mate’s best friend? The collateral damage could make dropping the “frenemy” very messy. Note: If the toxic friend is also associated with your mate, it is important that you include your mate in your plans to deal with the toxic relationship.

Ending a friendship is hard. Of course “breaking up” is hard. It shouldn’t be taken lightly. But if the relationship depletes, distresses or diminishes you, then it may be time to let it go.

I have heard the recommendation that you tell the toxic person that you are breaking up with them and why. Perhaps your experiences are different but clients that have tried this approach tell me that the confrontation doesn’t usually go well.

Others report greater success if you simply “downgrade” the relationship and let it slowly wither away. Make your self less available to the person. Plan to do things with other people. Be slow to respond to texts and posts from your toxic pal. Give them less access to you and your life.

Please take the presence of toxic people in your life very seriously. Life is too short and you have a lot of living to do. Let’s keep poisonous people to a minimum in our lives.

In Friendship,