The Unglamorous, Un-Fun, Downright Ugly, But Really, Really Necessary Side of Self-Care

When I speak to women about good self-care, I ask them what it means to them and how they’ve applied it lately. What I hear back is fine: ideas like pedicures, massage, making time to read, and having lunch with a friend.

Those are all well and good, but self-care is not just sunshine, rainbows, bubble baths, and unicorns.  When I ask about their “unglamorous and ugly” self-care, most women do not even know what I’m talking about.

Let me expose my personality and girlfriend side right now. Sometimes the best self-care is really unglamorous and ugly.

Sometimes it’s downright freakin’ scary and requires vulnerability, venturing into uncharted territory, facing fears, shedding tears, forgiving, brutal honesty, and even acknowledging our personal dark areas. Eek! Who would sign up for that?

There are 4 areas of self-care that encompass the main components of one’s life, and they require unglamorous and un-fun self-care. I call them the 4 Cups of Self-Care, because, as we know, we cannot pour from an empty cup.

 

Basically, this is “Being a Grownup 101.” Are you ready to “unglam” your self-care?

 

 

1. The Physical Cup of Self-Care

 

Get Your Physical Care

Go to the dentist, schedule your annual “woman” exam, remember your mammogram, get new glasses, have lab work ordered to ensure your blood levels are in line, take your vitamins, eat food that is good for you, even if you do not like it. Ugh. Where is the glamour in these?

“These are things that I really look forward to,” said NO ONE.

Well, maybe some people really look forward to drinking a green smoothie or preparing a healthy meal, but how about getting your blood drawn or getting your breast squished in a cold machine in a cold room when you are mostly undressed? I am sure that NO ONE looks forward to those. But, they’re important, and we know it. This is what I mean by your “unglam” self-care. Sometimes we procrastinate, but we know these things are needed.

 

Get Your Body Moving

It can be in little ways, like making an effort to park further away from the store to get a little walk; choosing a couple of flights of stairs instead of the elevator; and treating gym time as an unbreakable appointment.

 

Feed Your Body What It Needs

Don’t let yourself get so hungry that you gorge out. Set yourself up for success by always having a healthy snack at home just in case; and don’t go to the store when you’re hungry. Plan.

The Bible says that our bodies are temples. It doesn’t say that they’re invincible! We need to stop treating them like they are.

 

2. The Emotional Cup of Self-Care

 

Learn the Fine Art of Saying “No”

But please do not use “boundaries” as an excuse to force your way or avoid compromises and compassion. Sometimes compromises turn out to be really good things and not a loss. I had a client refuse to go to an anniversary dinner with her husband unless they went to a specific restaurant. This is bullying, not boundaries.

On the other hand, another client, Suzanna, was watching her niece and nephew on the weekends because her brother-in-law was battling cancer. It gave her sister and brother-in-law time together, and the kids got to do normal kid things. Suzanna’s friends encouraged her to say no to this and “exercise better boundaries.” But Suzanna chose to not to say no in this case because the circumstances were so dire. I agree with Suzanna. She did not feel taken advantage of, so this was not a case where a boundary had been overstepped.

 

Let the Tears Out When Needed

I don’t mean the delicate single tear that rolls down one’s cheek. I mean the full-on, ugly cry that one experiences in every cell of the body. You know the one. It makes you unintelligible if you try to speak. Hand raised … I have been there.

 

Reach Out When in Need

Vulnerability is scary, and some people run from it like the plague. I get it. But, running towards vulnerability may be better self-care than running from it. Sometimes it’s hard to reach out and even harder to be vulnerable.

Once, when I realized that my first marriage was in a death spiral and there was nothing I could do to stop it, I reached out. Mind you, reaching out is hard for me. I am normally the rock and the stoic one. I was sitting in my closet, crying on the phone with my friend, who lived 40 minutes away. After an hour on the phone, she got in her car, drove to my house in the middle of the night, and sat outside in the driveway with me for hours, talking and looking at the stars. I was vulnerable and felt weak at the time, but this is now one of my most cherished memories.

 

 

Declutter Your Space

Purging can be painful and bring up emotions, but do not avoid them. Embrace and process them instead. Avoiding them means they continue to hold power over you.

In the interest of transparency, I want to acknowledge that I am not good at decluttering. I, however, recently got rid of about 100 books. I love books. I really, really love books. They spark ideas and inspire me. But, seriously, do I need books about raising toddlers when my youngest is set to graduate college in a year? Probably not.

You may need to be ruthless when you are decluttering.

 

Challenge Your Beliefs and Attitudes

Where did your governing beliefs and attitudes come from? Perhaps more importantly, are they true?  

People have a lot of beliefs and attitudes about money, friendship, marriage, love, fear, youth, old age, sex, etc. I could go on. Being told you were stupid as a kid. Being compared to a sibling. Hearing that money doesn’t grow on trees. Learning that a parent had an affair. Having a friend die. I bet you can think of several times and places where you developed some beliefs and attitudes that could be reevaluated.  

In Matthew 7:17-18, the Bible says, “Every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit.”

Your thoughts, perceptions, judgments, attitudes, and beliefs are examples of this. You cannot deny that they have an effect. I ask, are they bearing good fruit or bad fruit? This is a topic that I am passionate about. I teach a class solely to address this topic, because I know that self-talk and ingrained beliefs can do more harm to a person than anything they hear from someone else. Learning the art of self-talk, affirmations, mindfulness, and being conscious is crucial to bearing good fruit.

 

3. The Mental Cup of Self-Care

 

Handle Your Money

Get a handle on money and spending. Get your bills on budget billing or auto-pay, if you can, so you know each month what the bill is going to be and budget accordingly. Schedule car maintenance or house repairs. If needed, find someone to help you with these things before it becomes an issue.

 

Learn and Stimulate Your Brain

What are you doing to keep your mind sharp? What are you doing to learn and expand? I hear stories of people graduating college at 65 or mid-lifers getting their high school diplomas, and I think, “This is what self-care looks like.”

 

Say “No,” But Also Say “Yes” More

Say no to negative self-talk but yes to honest self-talk; no to things that you cannot afford and yes to things that you need to afford; no to toxic people in your life and yes to apologies, forgiveness and laughter.

Apologies, forgiveness, and laughter are free, yet priceless. Do you owe an apology? Then make it. Do you have people in your life who are honestly toxic? Then minimize your exposure to the toxicity. If you don’t know how, read the article on toxic friends here.

 

4. The Spiritual Cup of Self-Care

 

Forgive Others for the Wrong(s) That Have Been Done to You

It is Abso-FREAKing-lutely necessary to forgive! You do it for you, and not for others.  

People hold on to their identities of being victims and then play the role as if they are hoping for an Academy Award. I get it. If I let go of my identity as the victim, there is a big, scary void left.

A client of mine was molested as a child and had a difficult time being intimate with her husband as a result. She has been married over 10 years and says that her husband is the kindest and most wonderful man she has ever known. Yet, they are rarely intimate.

I am not taking this lightly, and do not want hate mail about not understanding. You do not know my story, but trust me: I DO understand.  However, it is vital to take back your personal power and redefine who you are in these situations. Depriving oneself of a bond with a mate means that you are still giving the molester power over you. It may be time to forgive the person and/or yourself.

Forgiveness does not mean that you are letting the abuser off the hook. It means that you are letting yourself off the hook and finally allowing yourself to have a good life!

Remember to forgive yourself for mistakes and wrongs, too, because you are also worthy of forgiveness.

A note on forgiveness: It is rarely a one-and-done experience. More realistically, forgiveness comes in waves.  You can expect to have to re-forgive (is that a word?) other people and yourself many times. Do not judge yourself harshly. It is very normal to complete a forgiveness exercise only to find yourself triggered again two months later. Do the exercise again. It gets easier with time. I promise.

 

 

Take Time to Meditate and Pray

Unglam self-care includes heartfelt prayer and intentional meditation. Be sure to really listen.

I know people who are afraid to pray because they feel that they’ve failed God, that He is disappointed in them. Seriously? God knows that you have and will continue to mess up. Avoiding Him just makes things worse. Shame, fear, and guilt take hold. Those are the tools of the enemy. If you are experiencing these, it is not God’s voice that you are hearing.  

So, I encourage and challenge you to redefine self-care. In some ways, the term self-care has been overused. It’s become commonplace and too superficial.

Ongoing, regular, preventive self-care is necessary. By all means, enjoy those bubble baths. But when you’re stuck in the middle of a storm, self-care looks entirely different.  Triage it. You wouldn’t treat an aggressive cancer with a dab of antibiotic ointment, and you wouldn’t treat a paper cut on your finger by amputating it.

Know when to push through and forge on, and when to drop back, regroup, resupply yourself, and call in the troops. And don’t forget to breathe. Self-care doesn’t have to be pretty or ugly. It just has to be effective.

What kind of self-care do you appreciate the most? What’s helped you over time? What are you adding to your regimen as a result of reading this article?

Here’s to more unglamorous self-care,