3 Reactions to a Break-Up or Loss of Relationship

If you have been alive for more than a minute, you have had to deal with some form of loss in your life. And to be honest (because you can always count on me for honesty) loss just plain sucks. Whether it be loss of a job, a friend, opportunity, or the dissolving of a relationship – it feels crappy. 

How would you answer if I asked you how you dealt with the ending of your last relationship? What were your actions, thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors surrounding the relationship’s demise? This is a standard question I ask my clients. The answer is a great indicator of the level of success or predictor of success for their next relationship. 

Maybe you acted stoically with bravado. Or taking a page from Taylor Swift, you “shook it off.” Perhaps the loss nearly sunk you like a boat taking on water. More than likely, you reacted somewhere in between those things.

Would you tell me you social media stalked him, started therapy, or threw a divorce party? Or did you drown your sorrows in food, including a nightly tub of Haagen Dazs ice cream? Did you cut your hair, get a manicure, and go back to the gym? Some will share with me they went in search of a way to fill that hole in their life or a way to lessen the pain by being promiscuous. 

Uncoupling can be painful – even in those times when you know it is the best thing in the long run. Your response to the uncoupling, the way you are feeling, and even the way you decide (yes, it is a decision) to manage what you are feeling are all important.

Would you be surprised if I told you there are three ways to deal with a loss of a relationship and that only one approach leads you to a wildly successful future relationship?

Three Post Break-Up Choices

1. You can mourn.

I get it, the loss freakin’ hurts. And it’s okay (actually, healthy) to mourn when we lose someone. You had hopes, dreams, and aspirations for the future and many of those things have now vanished. When a relationship ends, there are numerous losses to mourn – not just the person. 

But while you’re touring the loss of the relationship in the middle of a pity party and drowning your sorrows in a tub of ice cream, are you topping it with self loathing and destructive, negative self talk? In doing so, you’re also likely taking on more responsibility for the end of the relationship.

Unfortunately, if in all our mourning we resort to this type of woe-is-me attitude, we are more likely to go back into the same kind of relationship. It’s as if we have some warped way of trying to fix the previous relationship by proving we can make it work this next time. Yet, the same circumstances occur and we’re doomed to repeat our mistakes.

2. You can celebrate. 

Quite the opposite approach of mourning is the celebrating approach (usually coupled with taking little to no responsibility). Much ado has been made of celebrating a divorce. Some people throw divorce parties and there are even books on how to throw a divorce party (I’m going to skip this section in Barnes and Nobles.) I’m not talking about the person who decides to uncouple and be civil or cordial about it. I’m talking about the person who actually throws a party to celebrate getting a divorce. 

Some do it to avoid the pain of the loss. Some do it to distract from the internal work that is needed. I have been told by people in the past that I just don’t understand. Well, the truth is that I do understand – all too well. However, I just don’t agree. 

Usually the folks wanting to celebrate the loss of the marriage are the same people who want to put the blame on the other person. All too often they refuse to understand their role in the demise of the relationship. Maybe she says he was a narcissist (whether it’s true or not). Those who make such claims after breakups will rarely take any responsibility for choosing such a mate even though there were lots of red flags. Perhaps the marriage is over because he had an affair, but the wife refuses to admit that after children she changed. She suddenly put the children before the marriage and refused to be intimate with her mate and understand his desires. 

In my experience, people who take this approach to divorces tend to struggle in subsequent marriages and are more likely to reach for divorce again. If you’re going through a relationship loss I want you to be surrounded by friends and loved ones – people who believe in you and will cheer you on. But, I am very leery of the folks who want to celebrate your loss, especially without doing a postmortem of what happened. 

Who are the people supporting and celebrating with you? What are their qualifications?  Are they all single? Happily married? 

3. You can do an audit. 

Consider this approach to be much like an autopsy on the relationship where you try to figure out what happened. This approach includes a healthy respect for your part in the demise of the relationship and taking a serious look at getting healthy. 

It’s like going to the doctor for a check-up to determine what areas you need to work on. What areas do you want to improve? Why did the relationship fail? What needs did you have that went unmet? And what were your mate’s unmet needs? What areas do you want to explore about yourself? What are the things that you always wanted to do? Or that you gave up to be in the last relationship? 

This also includes looking at what a healthy relationship looks like to you and coming up with a plan on how you make it happen. Consider interviewing others in wildly successful marriages (when you’re ready and strong enough for such conversations). Their insight may help you better understand what you needed from your mate and what they needed from you. At the very least, it will remind you that with hard work and intention, relationships can succeed.

So, one of three things will happen after a breakup, you’ll either take the high road or the low road or maybe to quote Thoreau, you take the road less traveled. My friend, that road less traveled is that of self reflection. And it’s that road which will place you on a path toward success in your next relationship – something I desperately hope for you!