Can These 36 Questions Lead to Lasting Love?

Love. It’s been the topic of poetry, songs, movies, and more since the beginning of – well – poetry, songs, movies, and more. From Romeo & Juliet on the stage to Minnie and Mickey in the cartoons. From Elvis and “Can’t Help Falling in Love” to Lionel Richie with “Endless Love.” It’s the topic human nature cannot seem to get enough of.

It creates a lot of buzz in psychological studies also. Psychologist Arthur Aron and his wife, Elaine Aron, spent almost half a century researching love and how certain questions can cause people to fall in love. In fact, they compiled a 36-question list – divided into 3 sets of questions and one activity – so you can try this with someone yourself.

Dozens of articles have been published about this very subject. Seriously, check out some of the Google results and you’ll find people have been busily testing this 36 question approach to see if they work in finding love. Varying results have been reported: a couple who tried it and then broke up within a week, two strangers meeting for the first time who fell in love and developed a long-term relationship, and two friends who found that their bond intensified.

Below you’ll find the entire list of questions so you can test them out with someone too. You can try these questions with anyone – whether a lover, spouse, friend, co-worker, relative, or stranger. At the end of the questions, there is an exercise of holding eye contact for four minutes. Don’t skip over this part – no matter how awkward it may feel at first. For most people, the routine seems to bring greater intimacy and a willingness to open up and be vulnerable to the other. But, bear in mind that you never want to force anyone to do this exercise (besides, love isn’t forceful to others, right?). 

Though this activity requires vulnerability, you have to know that vulnerability is the fuel that propels intimacy. Think of it like a turbo boost for intimacy. A relationship that nurtures mutual vulnerability is the opposite of an overly dominant or controlling relationship. Vulnerability requires a depth of honesty, trust, and mutual (mutual is a key word here) respect. It implies a relationship in which each person agrees to champion and hold a safe space for the other rather than trying to find out who gets to be the boss.

Now that you better understand the purpose of these questions, you may consider asking your partner if they would like to participate. Keep it light, particularly in the beginning. The questions get more intense as you work your way through them, so do your best to make it safe for both of you to be honest.

Set I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

1. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
2. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
3. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
4. What do you value most in a friendship?
5. What is your most treasured memory?
6. What is your most terrible memory?
7. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
8. What does friendship mean to you?
9. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
10. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
11. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
12. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III

1. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling … “
2. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … “
3. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
4. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
5. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
6. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
7. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
8. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
9. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
10. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
11. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
12. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Set IV

1. Look into each other’s eyes, without speaking, for four minutes.

Research has shown that  using these questions and the eye contact activity at the end has allowed total strangers to connect in the approximately 45 minute duration in which this exercise takes. What a miracle it would be if more people could connect despite superficial differences – especially in the divisive culture we face today.  Imagine the effect on our homes, communities, nation, and even world if we took the time to connect more deeply to others.

Wouldn’t it be nice if you felt more connected to your loved ones or to your mate? What if there are pockets of alienation in your relationships simply because you’ve been too embarrassed or afraid to bring up certain topics? 

When I work with clients, we work to build an environment that fosters vulnerability, authenticity, and transparencies. We do it because we value human lives, interaction, functionality, and happiness. 

If complete strangers can grow closer and more trusting by sharing the answers to these questions, could you and your loved ones do the same? It’s what most of us crave.

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Have you tried this exercise (36 questions and eye contact) with anyone, or are you planning to? What were your results, or what are you hoping for? Do you feel safe trying this with a spouse or another person close to you?  Why or why not?