Recovering from Emotional Hoarding: 7 Steps

Have you ever heard a woman refer to her “backside” as her “junk in the trunk?” Well in this post we’re not discussing body parts, but we are talking about the junk and baggage many do carry around – in the form of emotional hoarding.

In a previous article, I introduced you to the idea of “emotional hoarding.”  To summarize, I shared how sometimes people will pack away and store up negative emotions like anger, guilt, and shame and refuse to part ways with them – though these feelings do not serve them well. As if they are a toddler’s safety blankie, emotional hoarders carry their previous hurts with them in the form of costly, joy-stealing emotions.

If you find yourself hoarding destructive, spoiled feelings, there is hope. The steps to recovery from emotional hoarding are similar to those of recovering from physical hoarding. There is not set timeline for these steps, so move through them at the best pace for YOU. As long as you are moving forward, you are working toward a new freedom.

1. First, recognize what is happening. 

That’s the hardest, but most necessary, first step. Because denial can make it tough to get started, be completely honest with yourself and realize you’re not alone.

2. Don’t be in a rush.

Little steps and small course corrections are the fastest and surest way to lasting success. You’ll create long-term, positive habits through this process.

3. Find your motivation.

Delve into why it is important to overcome emotional hoarding and create a strong case for the benefits of releasing your emotional hoarding. Dig deep and yes, even list the losses you might feel in this process. Keep the list handy as a reminder when needed.

4. Create a new story.

Emotional wounds are often created without having the full story. We determine the reasons that someone has mistreated us and assign value to it. Too often, we do this without the benefit of all the information. For example, the loss of a younger sibling as a child taught Gertie to fear loss, so she never wanted children, unlike her husband. Unknowingly, she found herself picking fights over little things in the evenings to avoid going to bed at the same time as her husband. That way, she could avoid intimacy and the possibility of becoming pregnant.

5. Practice forgiveness.

Part of being human, whether intentional or unintentional, is that we get our feelings hurt by others. And, yes, we hurt other people’s feelings too. This means we must become good forgivers if we want to achieve any level of happiness in life. And, by the way, I mean forgiving ourselves AND forgiving others.

This is a great article on forgiveness: Software Update 2.0: Forgiveness

And for those who say that forgiveness is hard, I encourage you to watch this video. If this woman can forgive the unforgivable, then certainly we can learn from her: The Power of Forgiveness

6. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling.

There is value in letting yourself feel what you are feeling, but set a timer. Give yourself a time limit for how long you are going to stew on the negative emotions you feel. When the time limit is up, move on to what’s next.

7. Claim your new identity.

Envision who you are without the emotions you’ve been hoarding. Let it sink in that there is a new you to be liberated. Dream of the possibilities you’re free to explore after you’ve unburdened yourself of the old emotions you’ve been hoarding.

Liz had worked to support the family while her husband went to school. Later, after his career was in full swing, he left. The bitterness and disappointment haunted her for years. Even when she felt lonely, she was not free to seek or enjoy a new relationship. She forgot about what a nice person she used to be and came across as a grump. With help, she came to understand that while her emotions were perfectly valid, they were in the past, and hanging on to them was only causing her pain in the present. Over time, she released negative old emotions and learned to treasure herself for her good nature and ability to survive. In that frame of mind, it became easier to relax and enjoy the company of men. She’s happily remarried to a very trustworthy man.

We can’t truly move forward in life if we are stuck in the past. If emotions are keeping you from living a fulfilled life and making real connections with others, then emotional hoarding may be the reason. Consider the tips above and reach out for help.

Have old emotions cluttered up your life and made it difficult to move forward in joy? How did you deal with it, and which steps do you think will be most helpful?