Weddings are beautiful and I’ve always loved watching the brand new union of two people madly in love. As they say their vows to one another, I wonder if they know what they are in store for. You see, the day you say, “I do,” you don’t just gain a spouse, you take on a whole new family too – his. That’s right, I’m talking about your in-laws. And guess what? Your spouse got your whole crew too.
Our in-laws can be an amazing support system. They give us a glimpse into understanding how our mates were raised and many find a second set of parents in their in-laws. Unfortunately, we’ve all heard the jokes about in-laws and they are rarely about how pleasant they are.
If you’re dealing with less-than-ideal in-laws, there are a few rules of wisdom you should abide by.
7 Warnings When It Come to Difficult In-Laws
1. Don’t accepts loans or borrow items or money.
Finances can be a source of contention even in the most solid of relationships. So, if you already struggle with your in-laws, it’s best to leave money out of it. This includes money for cars, lawn mowers, etc. Give something up if you have to in order to avoid this situation. Because even if you call it a loan or think you’re just borrowing something, it can go really bad, really quickly.
2. Don’t triangulate.
I get it. Sometimes you want to vent to someone about your in-laws. But, do not pull others into a difficult situation or any drama with in laws. It is normal to want to get people on your side or in an attempt to validate your position, but it is not recommended. Your mate won’t appreciate the picture you paint of his parents, and you won’t appreciate him doing the same with yours. Not to mention the magnitude to which the drama will grow if the things you say get back around to your in laws.
3. Only spend time with in-laws when your spouse is present too.
Your mate can make the best buffer and they also help ease tensions. Since hurtful things can be said or misunderstandings can occur, you’ll want your mate around to witness anything first hand. Given the relationship between your spouse and his parents, he can help to minimize comments and reactions – kind of like a referee.
4. Meet in neutral places.
There’s nothing worse than having someone sticking around in your home – your safe and happy place – that you wish would leave. That’s why I recommend meeting with difficult in laws in a neutral place like a restaurant or a park. It’s easier to leave if something gets said or done. And your in-laws are more likely to behave when there are witnesses in public.
5. Re-evaluate boundaries.
Take a look at guardrails and boundaries you’ve set up. Are they clear? Consistent? Too much? Too little?
It’s far better to have less boundaries that are more consistent and clear than more boundaries that are inconsistent or unclear.
Include your mate in deciding these boundaries and then stick to them.
6. Have realistic expectations.
Better dealings with your in-laws are not going to happen overnight. Things take time. You’ll need to exercise great patience with all parties involved and show A LOT of grace. It’s not easy, but you’d want your spouse to do the same when dealing with your family.
7. Practice excellent self-care.
If tired, hungry, or depleted, it is like going into battle with little or no provisions. Not a good idea. Be sure that you are in tip-top shape – mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually – when dealing with your in-laws. Here are a few tips on how to practice great self-care.
Finally, do the most difficult thing of all and self-reflect. Are your in-laws contentious because you are being that way as well? Is your attitude or dislike of them causing you to add fuel to the fire? Check your heart and evaluate your own level of self-control.
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By the way, the holidays are coming up, and that means time with your in laws. Check out this podcast I did on keeping your sanity when it comes to your in laws. Be sure and download this coordinating pdf to take notes and help you follow along.
Have you found success in dealing with contentious in-laws? What best practices would you add to the list above? What would you advise someone in the same situation?
Seeking peace and unity,
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