Are You In, Out, or Waiting?

There are few things better than a mutually exclusive, committed, and supportive marriage. (I cheer for you if you have this.) It’s both heart filling and heart protecting to know that you and your mate are both in it for life. After all, that’s what you vowed on your wedding day, right?

But there are two other possibilities for your relationship. I’m not going to lie to you – both of these other two options hurt…and downright stink. It’s possible you or your mate is ready to call it quits and be “out” of the marriage. Or maybe you’re in a period of waiting for them to make up their mind – a very trying and difficult season to be in for sure.

Three States of a Relationship: In, Out, or Wait

Your marriage can occupy only one of three spaces: in, out, or wait. I know couples in each space right now. Do you know what each looks like and your options while you are there.

IN the Marriage

Katy and John have been married for twenty five years. They’ve had their share of ups and downs. Katy will tell you it hasn’t always been easy. But both are certain that they intend to carry out their vow of “til death do we part.” They have disagreements, but they (almost) always find a way to work it out – some kind of compromise or common ground. They have changed a lot over the last quarter century, but both agree it’s a good thing. Katy and John are both IN.

IN means you are both committed to the relationship: to building love and trust in your marriage. You’ve verbalized and vowed that you’re not going anywhere. And more importantly, your actions show this! You haven’t given each other any conditions or ultimatums and no one has a “Plan B.” It’s Plan A or nothing! Couples who are IN have the best chance for a thriving and successful marriage. 

But sometimes marriages are more complicated and only one of the partners is fully IN. For one reason or another one of the partners is not fully committed to the relationship. And it is understandable that sometimes in marriage one partner is pulling harder than the other. But this doesn’t mean that the relationship is in jeopardy.

OUT of the Marriage

If you are OUT, it means that one – or maybe even both – of you has decided to call it quits. For some reason or another, you or your mate doesn’t want to be married or work on/grow the relationship anymore and have no desire to work it out. 

Felicity and her husband, Robert, have been struggling for some time. Despite her requests for marriage counseling,  Robert isn’t interested. Felicity’s prolonged fears came to fruition last week when Robert told her he wasn’t happy and wanted a divorce. Felicity doesn’t want this, and she wants to work it out. But, unfortunately, Robert does not. He is OUT.

If you are the one who wants to be IN, but your mate wants to be OUT, this is an incredibly painful place to be and my heart aches for you. But, no matter how much you want and love your mate and desire to work it out, if your mate chooses OUT, then you too are OUT by default.  Without your spouse, there isn’t a marriage to be IN anyway. It takes a choice by both of you to be IN, but only one of you has to choose to be done for you both to be OUT. 

If your mate has chosen OUT, you are not without some choices. No, you don’t have a choice anymore about the marriage. However, you do have a choice in how you react and respond to your mate’s heartbreaking decision.  Some women faced with OUT choose to beg their mates to change their mind and stay. Some try to manipulate their mates and force them to be IN. Others (a common and understandable reaction) choose bitterness, anger, depression, or some combo of those emotions. Still, others seek revenge and try to punish their mate. 

The most difficult but the most healthy response to OUT is to heal. No matter how much pain you feel at the time, you can choose to release the pain, get help, forgive, and take steps toward a new you and new life. For more on this, check out an article I wrote on 3 Reactions to the Loss of a Relationship.

WAITING on the Marriage

And then there’s the third state of being, and it’s to WAIT. (Sigh…this one can be agonizing too.) This choice is not easy. However, it doesn’t mean you’re helpless or powerless. After all, waiting IS a choice. You could’ve chosen OUT instead, but you chose WAIT.

Frank’s wife, Allie, said she wasn’t sure what she wanted anymore. They’ve been married twelve years and have two small kids. It feels like the love has fizzled out and they’ve grown apart since the kids were born. Allie doesn’t know if she wants to stay in the marriage anymore – leaving Frank in a season of waiting on his wife to decide if she’s IN or OUT.

Choosing to WAIT means a) you know you’re not happy right now, b) you recognize that your needs aren’t being met, c) you aren’t willing to live like this forever, BUT – and this is the key – d) you are not willing to walk away….yet. WAITING is choosing to stay and put things on hold for a bit while your mate chooses if they are in or out. It always helps keep you from making a rash or emotional decision you may regret later.

If you’ve chosen WAIT in your marriage, you have a lot of choices available to you that only YOU have the power to make. You can choose to look after your own self-care and needs as you hold on. You can also choose some things that may impact or influence your mate towards IN or OUT. You can choose to not complain and choose to practice patience and understanding. Or you can choose to give your spouse an ultimatum (but be prepared that they may choose OUT).  And the real power card here is that you get to choose whether or not to WAIT anymore and to be the one who is OUT.

All three states of marriage can be hard. IN requires intention and focus and hard work, OUT means forgiving and healing, and WAIT forces some extreme patience and discernment.

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What state is your marriage currently in? In what ways do you have choice and control in your current state?

Encouraging You in Your Wait (or In or Out),