Are You or Your Partner in Or Headed for An Emotional Affair?

Relationships grow stronger when we make good emotional investments into them.  Over time, emotional bonds grow stronger or weaker based on the level of our investment.

When we invest more emotional intimacy into someone outside of the marriage, we could be headed for what is called an emotional affair. Like other affairs, this can seriously erode your chances of being happy together.

Here are some sure-fire ways to tell if you’re drifting into (or maybe even in) an emotional affair.

1. You can’t stop thinking about the person.

If you can’t get somebody off your mind, it’s likely the relationship is starting to drift outside of friendship. If he or she is the first person you think about when you wake up or the last person you think about at night, romantic feelings may be developing.

2. You find yourself comparing the person to your partner.

When you find yourself comparing a person to your partner, it’s almost as if you are sizing them up as a potential significant other. Comparing your partner to someone else may create conflict in your relationship, particularly if you are developing a close relationship with that person.

3. The time you spend together is increasing.

If you find that you are spending more and more time with a friend or co-worker, so much so that you end up spending less time with your partner, you might want to pause and contemplate the nature of your relationship.

Maybe you don’t cancel on your partner to spend time with this person, but if you find that you drop everything and cancel on other friends for him or her, you might want to ask yourself what makes them so special and why you prioritize this person over others.

Also, if you’re lying or covering up this time with your “friend,” you can see that you’re in treacherous waters. Try to clear this up before it has a worse effect on the marriage.

4. If your partner says something about your friend, you feel uncomfortable.

This is a sure sign that at least in your own consciousness, you feel that there’s something illegitimate about the relationship. Even if your mate has no suspicions and you haven’t had a physical affair, there is something about this new relationship that bothers you. The best thing to do might be to broach the subject with your mate by admitting that you feel strange about the relationship. If you can say this honestly, let him know that your intention is to keep your marriage intact.

5. You find yourself sharing intimate details.

Intimate information is usually reserved for our closest relationships. The more you share with someone, the closer you become. This can become problematic if you find yourself sharing details that you haven’t shared with your partner.

6. You share frustrations about your partner.

It may not be appropriate to discuss your relationship difficulties with someone else, particularly with someone who might develop into a romantic interest. If you find yourself complaining to a friend or co-worker about your partner, instead of discussing these issues with your partner, consider talking with a therapist instead.

7. You hide the relationship from your partner.

If you feel like you have to hide something, then you probably consider it inappropriate on some level. If you are afraid your partner won’t understand the relationship or will feel jealous, then they might actually have a reason to feel that way.

8. You dress up before you see the person.

When you start planning what you’re going to wear or spending extra time on your appearance before you see someone, that may prove you’re making a considerable effort to leave a good impression. If you’re dressing in hopes that the other person will find you attractive, you may want to stop and question your motives. They may not be as innocent as you think.

9. Intimacy with your partner decreases.

If you find you are suddenly sharing less intimate details with your partner and more with another person, you might be crossing into an emotional affair. Similarly, if you and your partner are less physically intimate than you were in the past and you find yourself daydreaming of intimacy with someone else rather than feeling sexual desire for your partner, there may be potential for an emotional affair.

10. You really understand each other.

Do you feel like the other person “gets” you? Or that you have a lot in common, and your life paths are similar? You’ve never met someone who understands you in this way, and you think you have a unique connection? If that is the case, you may be unknowingly having an emotional affair.

11. You start contacting each other outside of “friendship” hours.

If you are secretly texting, emailing, or calling each other into the wee hours of the night, there’s a good chance your relationship has gone beyond the scope of a typical friendship.

12. They give you butterflies.

When you start getting that starry-eyed, butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling for someone other than your partner, you are at risk of emotional infidelity. If a glance, slight touch, or phone call leaves you with that warm fuzzy feeling, then it’s very likely that your feelings are romantic in nature. You’re likely already in an emotional affair or ready to start one, and you’re not thinking rationally.

In these situations, it is often extremely difficult to broach these topics with your mate, either out of fear or just because you don’t know where to start. But, you can certainly try. If it looks like talking makes it worse, the best thing may be to reach out to a therapist.

13. It is difficult to concentrate when the other person’s around.

Difficulty concentrating can be a normal part of human sexual arousal. When you start to develop an infatuation for someone, the sexual attraction can cloud your thinking as well as your judgment. If you lose track of time when you’re together or find that you’re more forgetful, then the relationship may no longer be strictly a friendship.

14. You start having fantasies, dreams, or thoughts about them during intimate moments with your mate.

If you start fantasizing about what it would be like to touch this person or you start having romantic dreams about them, this is likely a sign from your unconscious that you are developing romantic feelings.

Also, if this feeling intensifies over time, it might be cause for alarm.

When these feelings come and go, you might try letting them ebb and flow like waves. It’s not unusual to be sexually attracted to people as long as you’re alive.

If you can accept that attraction is a normal part of human life and let the feelings come and go without acting on them while staying intimately connected with your mate, you’ll do a lot better.

If that’s too difficult, then you may already be in an emotional affair.

15. You would be upset if the situation were reversed and your partner was doing this with another person.

How would you feel if your partner had this type of friendship with someone else? If you’d be upset about it, that’s an indication that your behavior could be inappropriate, and you are becoming emotionally unfaithful to your partner.

Remember that many people engage in affairs out of a feeling of loneliness or even revenge against a mate they don’t trust. If you care about this marriage, “do unto others as you’d have them do unto you.”

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If you find yourself on the verge of an emotional affair, keeping an open line of communication with your partner is often an effective first step in addressing the situation. Let your partner know about the relationship and any feelings or concerns you may have surrounding it. Remember, it is usually easier to tell a partner before rather than after something happens.

Good people can get caught up in these types of affairs because they’re feeling lonely or feeling they’ve lost connection with their mate. Although the emotional affair is still a form of cheating, it’s subtler and can sneak up on you.

Coping with a partner’s emotional affair or preventing one from occurring can be challenging for even the strongest of couples. If you’re concerned that you might have fallen into an emotional affair and don’t know how to tell your partner, consider seeing a marriage and family therapist. They can help you both process and share your feelings and perspectives.

Have you known people who have experienced an emotional affair? What advice would you give in hindsight?