7 Barriers to Communication That Most Couples Experience

Effective communication is crucial to healthy relationships. Solving relational problems; discussing hopes, dreams, and goals; making vacation plans; and even simple daily activities are based on communication. Good communication is often fun!

Optimizing communication entails minimizing communication barriers. Fortunately, it’s very likely that your communication barriers can be relieved with a little thought. Here are seven common communication barriers that couples encounter:

1. Distractions/Interruptions

It’s great to be fully present and actively listening, but distractions, interruptions, and pressing thoughts interrupt clear communication. Work projects, a difficult boss, children fussing in another room, a phone call that you need to return, and your shopping list are some of the common distractions. Or maybe you’re distracted because the TV is on or your phone is buzzing. Social media and electronics can be some of the biggest distractions.

Fortunately, distraction is typically one of the easiest barriers to resolve.

First, set aside a clear block of time together expressly dedicated to communication. Next, set ground rules for the discussion. Two important rules are (1) stick to the topic and (2) no electronics allowed. Turn off the TV and radio, and either put away phones or silence the ringers.

2. Emotional/Physical State

Are you hungry, tired, angry, sad, worried, drained, sick, or needing to go to the bathroom? If so, then this is not the time for effective communication. When our physical or emotional state is compromised, we are less able to listen, comprehend, and understand. We’re far less tolerant, open to ideas, and compassionate when we’re in a physically and mentally compromised state.

Instead of discussing important topics at this time, wait until you are more physically and emotionally up for it.

3. Different Communication Styles

Do you communicate by talking slowly, fast, or somewhere in between? Do you talk with your hands, pace the floor, or slam things? When you get upset, do you get quiet, or are you more likely to yell? Do you need a time out to think before talking, or do you like to talk it out right away? There are no right or wrong answers to these questions. This is simply about understanding your communication style(s), which in turn can help ward off disagreements.

Couples who understand their differences in communication styles don’t tend to take little things personally. It’s very beneficial to discuss your divergent styles and how they can hamper effective communication if not understood.

There are several online quizzes and assessments that help you understand your natural personality and communication styles. My two favorites are the 5 Love Languages and 16 Personalities. Also check out our online quiz to discover your top Personal Need.

Yes, adjustments will likely need to be made. Start small and be patient. Different communication styles are similar to language barriers between people who speak different languages. There are bound to be misunderstandings. But with time, communication grows.

4. Beliefs

Preconceived ideas and beliefs most definitely have a bearing on how you interpret what is said and the value you attach to it.

Believing that women are inferior or that men are stupid and have no emotional intellect will affect open communication. If you believe that your mate is out to get you and doesn’t really care about your feelings, it’s understandable that you’re less willing to openly communicate. But sometimes, folks just have different ideas or beliefs about subjects like childrearing, and failure to communicate on those topics won’t resolve them.

If you have limiting beliefs, it is important to take a thorough look at them. Are they really valid? Are you applying beliefs from another time and place to your current relationship? Each relationship has its own chemistry. Don’t argue for your limitations. Understand them and overcome them.

5. Expectations

If you expect your mate to have a negative response, including anger, cursing, name calling, dismissing your ideas or feelings, or generally disagreeable behavior, then your expectations will hamper effective communication. No one wants to openly and honestly communicate when they expect to be dismissed, shot down, or met with anger. It causes one to just be braced for the worst and most certainly creates a barrier to effective communication. Expectations also cause us to look for and hear what we are expecting, not necessarily what our mate was trying to communicate.

If this applies to you and your relationship, marital counseling may be needed. At the very least, you need to discuss anger, cursing, and dismissiveness as a communication style that’s getting in the way. When initially starting work on this issue, some couples find that it’s easier to communicate on paper while apart.

6. Emotional Self-Protection

Fear of vulnerability often means that one is hiding feelings or doesn’t fully communicate. Sharing openly and honestly means that we have to reveal our vulnerabilities. We have to move through the fear of being seen or truly known. The truth is that what we usually want the most is to be reassured that we’re still loved and that all be OK. Unfortunately, when you’re self-protecting your emotions, there is tendency to drive a wedge between couples rather than drawing them closer. Self-protection might even include reacting by lashing out, criticizing, or withdrawing.

I acknowledge that feeling vulnerable is naturally pretty scary! But it’s worth it.

Small steps is the key. When you feel like withdrawing or lashing out, ask yourself what is it that you’re really feeling underneath that distractive (protective) action? Are you scared, uncertain, unappreciated, undesirable, confused? Those feeling have value. And those feeling are what need to be gently communicated.

7. Fear for Physical Safety

This is a very real barrier to communication. If you’re fearful for your safety, it’s completely understandable that you’d be uninterested in openly and honestly sharing your feelings. You’re very likely – and justified – to go into Self-Protection, hiding your feelings and desires.

Domestic violence is a serious issue and it is not only women that face violence at the hands of an intimate partner. A 2010 Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) study reported that 40% of all severe domestic abuse is perpetrated against men and that men are more likely to have a weapon used against them than a woman. Another study suggests that men suffer more acts of aggression towards them by an intimate partner than women do. So, whether a man or woman, if you are physically afraid that your mate will become violent, then please seek professional help right away.

You can see that communication barriers come in all sizes and shapes. Some are fairly easy to handle, while communication barriers others point to serious issues that will most likely require professional help to overcome.

No matter how you choose to approach resolving the barriers you face in communication, you’ll find that smoothing out communication can become the #1 most beneficial move you can make in improving any relationship. Combined with the emotions of love and forgiveness, communication can help preserve and maintain a very close and satisfying relationship.

Sources:
http://www.cdc.gov/ViolencePrevention/pdf/NISVS_Report2010-a.pdf
http://www.batteredmen.com/NISVS.htm

Love,