Communicating Your Love

December is gift-giving month at the Walton house – not necessarily due to Christmas, but because we have several birthdays that month, and an additional three the first week of January and two at the end of November. Whew! That makes for a lot of wrapping paper and ribbons.

Why do I bring this up? Because honoring birthdays is a way to show people we love they are important to us. We also show them with our day-to-day activities, and behaviors. But, what if the way we show them, isn’t the way they want to be shown?

Have you ever had your mate try to comfort you, only to feel let down, or even worse?

Case Study: Jackie & Teddy

Consider this scenario with Jackie, a client of mine. Jackie had a stressful day, and what she really wanted from her mate was a hug and some time to sit and chill with him.

Instead, her mate, Teddy, energetically announces, “Put your shoes on honey, I am taking you to dinner.” Teddy thinks he is being considerate and helpful, but it feels anything but that to Jackie.

It isn’t that Jackie is unappreciative. Rather, Teddy’s gift offering didn’t match Jackie’s needs. So, instead of Jackie decompressing after a difficult day and bonding with Teddy, Teddy is now irritated because of Jackie’s reaction. Thus, Teddy withdraws.

Since Jackie’s needs aren’t being met, she withdraws as well. If Jackie and Teddy were fluent in the other’s love language, they would have understood the dynamic, and possibly even laughed at the miscommunication. Sadly, similar scenarios are played out daily all over the world. This ongoing miscommunication can cause long-term friction and emotional distance.

The Five Love Languages

My favorite book on the topic of communicating our love for others is  “Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. I recommend it to all my clients. Chapman describes how people express love differently, and teaches how we can learn to speak our partner’s love language so they will feel the most loved, and they can reciprocate for us in our love language.

Chapman’s five love languages are: Acts of Service, Gifts, Physical Touch, Quality Time, and Words of Affirmation. The names are pretty self-explanatory, but understanding and utilizing them to the highest degree can take some education, practice, and discussion.

Consider my family and their languages of love.
My mom doesn’t really need or want things, especially if they are things that are parked on a shelf, and require dusting. My dad, however, enjoys tangible gifts. So, for my mom, a gift of specialty teas and honey is the perfect way to show you care. My dad loves photos of the grandkids and keepsake albums of the family. My husband, Joel, is highly responsive to quality time and touch. Holding hands, rubbing the back of his neck on a long drive, and sitting on the couch reading and playing footsies are guaranteed to make him feel loved. My youngest son (teenager) is a “words of affirmation” and “physical touch” kid. I know a handful of well-chosen words will make him beam, just as a handful of words can crush his spirit.  Since he was a baby, nothing soothes him more than a back rub. We are definitely not a one-size-fits-all group. I doubt that your family is, either.

You may already guess which of the five love languages in which you are fluent, but I encourage you and your mate to take the online quiz. You may be surprised by what you discover. Remember to discuss your results. If you have kids, have them take the quiz for kids, which is broken down into age groups.

Take the official Five Love Languages quizzes on Chapman’s website.

With your newfound love language wisdom, go forth and show some love!

Love,