Crazy Time

If you are going through a divorce or separation, Crazy Time by Abigail Trafford is one of those rare books that may help you feel seen, understood and most importantly not alone.

Trafford divides the divorce journey (book) into three distinct phases: Crisis, Crazy Time and Recovery. What makes the book valuable is how relatable it is. Through countless real life examples (albeit some seem redundant), you will undoubtedly find yourself in the pages. Your thoughts, feelings, fears, emotions and even your confusion are reflected in the pages.

Understanding the Breakdown: Deception and Deadlock

One of the most powerful aspects of the book is Trafford’s discussion of Deception and Deadlock behaviours. These behaviours often develop as a coping mechanism in struggling marriages, and they also contribute to the breakdown of the relationship.

What I appreciate most is how Trafford encourages the reader to look closely at these dynamics. Look closely yes, but not as an avenue for blame but as a way to grow and gain understanding. When we take time to examine what led to the demise of the relationship we create space for deeper healing and healthier future relationships.

The author also acknowledges that while some couples remain stuck in deadlock, others are able to break free and attempt repair. This is not easy work, especially when divorce is often the result of years of accumulated hurt. It is an important reminder, however, that understanding patterns can open the door to change and dealing.

The Reality of Crazy Time

The heart of the book centers on what the author calls the “Crazy Time”. This is the time following the separation. This period can last for years and is marked by unpredictability, emotional highs and lows, and sometimes uncharacteristic behaviour.

If you have ever thought, “ I don’t even recognize this person anymore” or even “ I don’t recognize myself”, you are not alone. 

Anger, Ambivalence, and Emotional Complexity

Two standout chapters focus on anger and ambivalence. Both anger and ambivalence are incredibly common, although often surprising, emotional responses during divorce. 

Trafford describes anger as often stemming from betrayal, and she distinguishes between constructive and destructive anger. In my own experience working with individuals and couples, anger can have many roots. Taking the time to “brush away the dirt” and uncover what lies beneath the anger is a crucial step toward healing.

Her discussion on ambivalence is equally powerful. Many people experience dramatic emotional shifts throughout the day – feeling hopeful in the morning, doubtful in the afternoon, and open to reconciliation again by evening. These conflicting emotions can feel disorienting, but Trafford normalizes them. Uncertainty, she explains, fuels the inner tug-of-war.

The author compares divorce to the experience of war, noting that people often emerge changed by what they have endured. While some carry many scars, others come through with a renewed sense of gratitude, clarity and growth. This perspective offers both validation and hope.

The Social Impact of Divorce

Another particularly meaningful section explores the idea of the public versus private divorce. Trafford highlights the often-overlooked reality that divorce doesn’t just affect the couples. It impacts friendships, your social circles and your social life as well. 

Friends may feel unsure of where to stand. Some people attempt to maintain relationships with both individuals, while others quietly step away to avoid discomfort or perceived conflict. This can leave you feeling abandoned at a time when support is most needed.

Understanding this dynamic can help soften the sting and remind you: it’s not always personal. It is more likely that others simply don’t know how to navigate the situation. And honestly, that is understandable. Where are the rule books, for friends, when you need them?

Moving Toward Healing and Hope

In the final section, Trafford outlines three phases of healing: Hummingbird, Phoenix and Foundering. Each phase represents  aspects of recovery and growth.

She closes the book with something many people wonder about but are hesitant to voice: the possibility of love again. With compassion and realism, she offers hope that life – and even love – can be rebuilt.

Crazy Time is Recommended Reading

Crazy Time is a compassionate and insightful guide for people navigating the emotional terrain of divorce. While not every section will resonate with every reader (for example, there is a significant focus on affairs), the overall message is deeply validating and encouraging.

If you are in the midst of this journey, this book can help you make sense of what feels chaotic, give language to your experience, and remind you that healing is not only possible. It is already underway.

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