Is Decision Fatigue Affecting Your Marriage?

Teresa was a new client. We had seen each other just twice. And like I do with all my clients, I looked for patterns in the concerns she shared with me. Among her problems, Teresa noted that she and her husband were arguing more in the evenings and towards the end of the week. This timing prompted me to dive a little deeper.

Teresa had recently taken on a supervisor position at work. She enjoyed the work, though she admitted it was challenging. But, she also said that she felt mentally overloaded and unqualified to make some of the decisions that had to be made.

Arguments in the evening, at the end week, or feeling overwhelmed by decisions are tell-tale signs of decision overload or decision fatigue (DF). The good news is that managing DF can actually be one of the easiest things to manage – once we recognize it. After all, awareness is half of the battle!

With Teresa (and for many other couples also), it was important to get her DF minimized before we could fully address some of the deeper issues in her marriage.

What is Decision Fatigue?

Decision fatigue is a condition causing people to have difficulty making decisions after a full day or week of making a plethora of decisions. Making even the smallest decisions after such days or weeks can be overwhelming for them. Sometimes DF shows by itself when individuals make bad decisions because of the sheer volume of choices they’ve already been inundated with. Not only can this cause you to feel irritable and critical, it can actually undermine your ability to make sound and solid decisions.

When you’re dealing with a family, it can be even more difficult to manage. For example, at the end of the day, we are more likely to be snippy with our mate if we are in decision fatigue. And, decision fatigue can cause us to make less than stellar decisions about our relationships and parenting.

I recall my first experience with decision fatigue many years ago when at the store and shopping for toothpaste. So many choices. Seriously, way too many choices, actually. Did I need to whiten and fight tartar? Or did I want 24 hour protection and fresh breath? Is baking soda healthier? Or better for the environment? And why was one brand nearly twice the price as a different brand? Did this make them twice as good at freshening my breath and keeping the cavities and tartar at bay? It was the end of the day and as I stood there looking at the seemingly 7,000 choices of toothpaste, I became irritated, frustrated and stressed. To be honest, it was the end of a very looooong work week and I simply was not equipped to be tackling such important decisions as picking out toothpaste.

Furthermore, when there are too many choices available, it is not only harder to decide, but we can easily fall into FOMO (fear of missing out). No matter which brand you pick, you might not feel satisfied or convinced that you chose the right one. So, more choices does not necessarily create greater happiness or satisfaction in life. (Research backs this up.)

How Decision Fatigue Shows Itself

In my practice, I’ve found that most couples note their arguments and disagreements tend to come in the latter part of the day or at the end of the work week. I attribute, at least, part of this to being tired and decision fatigued at that time.

One client told me how recently, at the end of the day, she snapped at her husband for simply asking her what she would like for dinner. So he took the initiative and decided to order pizza from their favorite local restaurant (he figured he couldn’t go wrong). Yet, when he asked her which toppings she wanted, she burst into tears. She just couldn’t make another decision.  Later when recounting the events to me she said that she didn’t understand why she reacted that way. She knew her husband was trying be helpful, but she just couldn’t respond accordingly. You may not recognize it as decision fatigue, unless you know what to look for.

It reminds me of marathon runners near the end of a long race when their legs start to give out and turn noodle-like. You can see the runners trying to move their legs. The same legs that have carried them thus far are now just too fatigued to behave normally. They start to go offline.

Have you caught yourself snapping at your kids, husband, or a friend for seemingly no reason, especially at the end of a long day or week? You may be suffering from decision fatigue at these times. After a day full of decisions begging to be made, you feel frazzled and testy. You don’t need one more thing to think about. And just more more decision overloads your system.

Interestingly, besides affecting your mood, research indicates that decision fatigue can cause you to make bad decisions, as well. In fact, one study found that judges making parole decisions were noted to make quicker, less considered decisions by the end of the day and grant fewer paroles, even when cases and circumstances were similar. You might just pick the fastest or easiest choice rather than the healthiest, most efficient, or beneficial one. They say don’t go grocery shopping when hungry, but I say it’s just as important to not go when decision fatigued. Hand raised here if you have even done this (confession: both of mine are raised).

Minimizing Decision Fatigue

Recognizing that decision fatigue is a real thing in your life is important. But recognition is only the first step. You must put systems in place to help ward off decision fatigue. No system is a one size fits all, but here are basic areas that I encourage my clients to start with: food, clothing, chores and communication.

Ask yourself how you can minimize decisions about these routine items. Would it help to plan out the week’s meals on Sunday – thus eliminating the need to figure out dinner on Friday evening with your experiencing DF? Likewise, could you pick one morning to set out the week’s outfits? Can you pass off some chores to someone else or at least have routines in place already, so you’re not having to delegate responsibilities as frequently?

Aim for a customized approach to lessening the impact of decision fatigue on your life. You know best the many choices and decisions you’re faced with. Have a preventative approach to decision fatigue by trying some of these useful tips.

Have you experienced decision fatigue or seen it affect your relationships? What approaches do you take to minimizing the pool of choices and the demands for decisions on you?

Avoiding Fatigue,