The outcome of a difficult conversation very often depends on how it was set up. Was it set up for success – or failure?

When clients have a difficult conversation ahead, I encourage them to use my TALL approach to get the best results. This starts with pre-thinking the conversation – not ruminating on it, but rather pre-thinking the goal, the ideal results, and how to set your partner and yourself up for the best possible outcome. 

I liken this to planning for a long journey. It’s probably not best to just jump in the car and speed to the airport or train station expecting to have an available seat going where you want to go. You would not be setting yourself up for a successful trip. You never know – it might work out just fine, but then again, it probably won’t. You didn’t plan for your needs – provisions, some clothing, a reservation, a ticket, camping equipment, or a safety check of your car if you’re driving. And by the way, you might want to check the weather and road conditions before you leave!

That’s why I use the TALL approach to wildly successful conversations. It sets you up for success. 

“T” is for Timing

So many conversations go bad simply because of poor timing. A Friday night after a long work week or a morning when your mate is running late and trying to get out of the door are not the ideal times to start up a potentially heavy conversation. 

Other bad times are when your mate is on their way to coach the kids’ soccer team or one of you is under the influence of a substance, negative emotion, stress, lack of sleep, or even PMS. These are times that fall under poor timing. What about when preparing for a big presentation, an interview right around the corner, or just after receiving bad news? No bueno!

On the other hand, it has to be noted that what is poor timing for one of you may not be poor timing for the other. And good timing will differ from couple to couple. Consider your own unique schedules and traits. Even take into account your communication patterns and history. Each person and couple is unique.

Also, remember that even after planning what you think is the best timing, you may need to set aside a time to revisit the conversation once you get into it. If either partner needs some time and space to think, reflect, consider feedback, or deal with feelings of overwhelm or attack, you may need to take a break and circle back to the topic later. 

Honestly, more often than not, conversations are not “resolved” in one take, and you’ll need to revisit the subject later. This is perfectly normal and happens often in healthy relationships. When you set a date and time to discuss the topic again, make sure that both of you have had ample time to consider your own feelings and the other person’s point of view.

“A” is for Approach and Attitude

Consider your approach and attitude. Do they express kindness, concern, and resolution? Or, do they reek of judgment, demands, and the sole intent to express displeasure? Be honest.

What is your objective?  

When I ask clients about a conversation that went badly, usually they confess that there was no clear objective besides expressing their disappointment or sharing that they were upset or angry.

What approach is going to get you the best results? What results do you want? What is your best “plan of attack” for feeling heard and achieving your ideal outcome? Remember the proverb that mom taught us: “You’ll catch more flies with honey than vinegar.”

“L” is for Location

Timing is indeed important; but often, where you decide to have those difficult conversations can be just as predictive of the outcome. Where do you have most of your difficult conversations? 

One couple said that most of their arguments happened when one of them was in the shower. Difficult conversations should never happen when one party feels like they are captive or trapped! Starting difficult conversations while you’re driving is probably not the best time, either, because your partner is captive and must listen. These locations might be just fine for some couples, but both of you should be comfortable and free of distractions for the best outcome.

Avoid a difficult conversation when one or both of you is someplace where you cannot have an honest conversation. A client recently called her husband at work and “started an argument” when she knew he wasn’t free to have an authentic or lengthy conversation. This violated both the Timing and Location rules in the TALL Approach.

And please, stop having difficult conversations in the bedroom, which just taints the bedroom space and erodes the relationship. And definitely stop having them over text or email, where it is virtually impossible to communicate anything delicate without being misinterpreted. It’s best to have a full moratorium on using these venues for sensitive conversations. 

“L” is for Length

Some conversations are best served short.  If you keep repeating the same thing(s) or feel as though you are talking in circles, you are likely talking for too long. As we discussed in “T” for Timing, it is common to broach a subject, set it on the back burner for a while, and move it to the front burner at a later time.

If you find yourself rabbit trailing, such as veering off the subject or trying to address too many topics, you need to shorten the length of the conversation. Stick to one theme or topic. Far  more success comes from more frequent and smaller, bite-sized topics than from trying to hash out all the world’s problems in one setting. Try two or three single-topic discussions lasting 10 to 15 minutes, spread over time, instead of going with a 60-minute data dump! And avoid rehashing the same old topic over and over.

Some partners have learned that if they hound or badger their partner enough, they will wear them down and get them to acquiesce.  A partner that gives in (or lets you win because they feel pressured) is not being authentic, and there is no real victory there.

The Outcome When Using the TALL Approach

The goal is to have your partner understand your point of view. This is not the same as having them agree. It’s a huge difference. You might think that the goal is to win the argument or change your partner. But like the person who drives to the airport on a whim and jumps on a plane without a passport, you might have trouble once you get there.

Happy Communicating,