Finding the Hero in Your Husband

We love a hero. As young girls we ready fairy tales and adore the movies where a prince rides in on his steed to save the day! As women, we long for protection, safety, and security. Even the strongest and most independent women long to fall into the love and safety of a heroic man. Think about the blockbuster romances that sell. They portray men who pursue the woman, who romance her and fight for her. Every woman wants a man like that.

But do you see your husband as this type of man? Do you believe in his potential or resent him for his failure? Is he the hero or the villain to you? Are you living your fairytale or dreaming of the day he isn’t so insensitive or apathetic or work obsessed? Whatever the frustration you have with your husband, you’re not alone.

As a psychologist, Dr Julianna Slattery has worked with countless couples and heard many of the same heartbroken, frustrated, pleading outcries from wives left wondering, “Is this all there is to marriage? Is this what it looks like for the rest of my life? There has to be more!” Slattery tackles these tough questions and more in her book Finding the Hero in Your Husband.

With the subtitle “Surrendering the Way God Intended,” Slattery dives into the areas of marriage that women most struggle with from a biblical perspective. Without preaching a sermon to you, Slattery gives tangible examples of how we can either emasculate or elevate our husbands. She exposes the tough truths ingrained in our men and deep within us. She unlocks our buried fears (and his) and shows how they play out in real life. The antidote? Surrendering the way God intended us to.

Marriage doesn’t have to be a disappointment. But, getting there takes work, patience, and lots of prayer. Slattery teaches women that we have a power – power to encourage our men or destroy them. Through the way we speak to them, speak of them, pray for them, think of them, and more, we can unleash the leader in our men we’ve always desired.

She’s raw and honest about the things that hurt and the struggles that will take time. At times she even spells out a common problem like a workaholic husband. Though we’re given ways to help cope, she sometimes is honest that the problem is not ours to fix. We cannot force a change on our husbands. I think this is the most difficult of all to read. The hard, honest truth that no matter how much I desire the intimacy, read the books, attend the seminars, I cannot change my husband. I cannot make him want intimacy. I cannot make him love me more. But, I can pray that God will. I can do my part in love, intimacy, and respect. I can live my life knowing that I’m fulfilling my role. And I can hope  – hope that God can use my example, my love, and my prayer to soften my husband’s heart toward me, make him feel safe to be vulnerable with me, and create an atmosphere that draws my husband in.

With the end of every chapter, Slattery leaves us with a powerful verse – prompting it to resonate deep within us, asking ourselves which type of wife we will be. The verse comes from Proverbs 14:1, “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.” The power is in our hands. We can work to build up our men and our homes through biblical guidance of respect and submission and love, or we can let our impatience, pride, and foolishness tear down our men and ultimately feed into the destruction of our homes.

This book would work well for a women’s study as each chapter ends with reflective questions for engaging conversation. Or it can be read alone as I did. For me, some chapters were quicker to read through than others. Some hit harder and I felt their pain or truth deeper than others. As I read each chapter, I felt a nudging or pruning of ways I needed to change or of an unfair expectation I’d placed on my husband. But I also felt encouraged in areas that I was not alone, that there was hope for more, and with a better understanding of the struggles my husband faces and how I can be his helpmate (not enemy) in those struggles.

Wear some thicks socks as you read as your toes may get bruised. And allow yourself enough time to reflect, pray for conviction and open eyes, and remember there is always grace and mercy waiting to help you along!