Grieving the Marriage and Future You Thought You’d Have

When people marry, they don’t simply join their lives to another person, they also merge their dreams, plans, and expectations for the future.

It is natural to imagine what life will look like including the number of children you will have, the home you will build, the adventures you will share, and the way you will grow old together. But life rarely follows the blueprint first drawn.

Maybe you thought you would have two children, and surprise you had three. Or you planned to see all seven continents, but only made it to two. Maybe you dreamed of a four-bedroom home in the country with the proverbial white picket fence, yet you find yourself in a condo in the city. I’ve yet to meet anyone whose future turned out exactly as they planned. Sometimes life unfolds better than imagined. YAY! Sometimes it’s harder. But it’s almost always different.

Change Forces An Identity Shift

When change comes, whether by choice or by circumstances, it often bring uncertainly, fear, and a forced identity shift. 

Divorce, in particular, can shake the very foundation of who you thought you were and especially who you believed you would become. The loss isn’t just of a partner. Rather, it’s the loss of a shared vision of the “someday” that you built your life around. The home, the rhythm of daily life, the financial security, the friendships, even the future holidays … All of it changes.

Complex and Complicated Grief

Interestingly, grief doesn’t always look like sadness. It can hide behind anger, numbness, exhaustion, or even relief. It can feel like confusion, loneliness, or an ache you can’t quite name.

Sometimes grief shows up predictably and rhythmically and other times it hits unexpectedly like a severe storm that came out of nowhere. The grieving process is anything but neat and predictable. Some days. you will feel strong and like you are moving forward, and then something small, like a song, a photo, a location, or a familiar smell, will pull you back into sorrow.

That is all normal.

It is part of moving through complex grief – the grief of what was and what will no longer be. Not to be confused with complicated grief, which usually signals prolonged grief (lasts more than six months) and that has a significant impact on one’s daily life. 

Is It Sadness or Grief

Healing complex grief takes times, gentleness, and intentional self-care. Give yourself permission to feel, even when its uncomfortable. Reflect on what you have lost, the lessons learned, and what you hope to create next. Seek connection with a trusted friend, a counselor, or a support group. Create new rituals that honor both the ending and the beginning; light a candle, journal, take a walk in a meaningful place, or simply sit in gratitude for the lessons and joys that your marriage, although it ended, brought.

Grief vs Grieving

There is a distinction to be made between grief and grieving. Author Mary O’Connor defines grief as an overwhelming emotion that overcomes us due to a loss. Grief is felt. Grieving, is the change that you experience as a result of the loss. It is a process of learning, adapting, and ideally growth. Grieving is experienced.

In the book “The School of Grief” author David Page outlines four types of grief: Anticipatory grief, Acute grief, Early grief, and Mature grief. Mature grief is the goal. I liken mature grief to what one feels years after the loss of a beloved pet. You are not in the throws of intense grief like in Acute or Early grief, but you still feel the loss.

An Invitation to Reflect

As painful as it can be, I like to think of “divorce grief” as an opportunity. It is an invitation to look inward and to rediscover who you are apart from the plans that didn’t unfold.

Look for glimmers of possibility, not the life you once imagined. A life shaped by wisdom, resilience, and hard-earned strength.

You may not have the future you once planned, but you can still create a beautiful, albeit different, one. And with time, perhaps even a better one. 

Cheers to you future,