There is a married woman who runs in the same business circles as I do. We are not close friends, but we’re friends on Facebook.

This lady has a major crush on a celebrity and posts pictures of him on Facebook when she is in need of a pick me up. She has other friends who also posts pictures of the celebrity to help my friend get over the blues.

While this heartthrob helps brighten my friend’s day a bit, I always feel badly for her husband, and I wonder if this seemingly innocent indulgence is actually contributing, in the long run, to her problems.

 

Comparisons Can Kill Your Relationship

Comparing your husband to other men can seriously undermine your relationship. If you’re “jokingly” lusting after another man and finding yours inadequate, this topic is really no joke. It can set your husband up to feel as though he can’t win.

Look at it this way. How would you feel if your husband and his friends posted revealing pictures of celebrity women on your husband’s timeline? Would you feel embarrassed? Humiliated? Undervalued? Insecure? Resentful?

If you know your husband at all, you know exactly where his Achilles heel is.

You can use this as a weapon against him, or you can use it to create greater intimacy.

Certain “harmless” attention to his weaknesses and vulnerabilities can make him feel violated, defensive, or shamed. Let’s take a look at some common effects that comparisons have on your husband, your marriage, and you.

Inadequacy

Men do not often talk about feeling inadequate, but if they’re honest, they’re most insecure about not being respected or valuable enough. That fear is stoked and kept alive when they’re compared to others unfavorably. They can rationalize that they’re good men who try hard, but the truth is that they can never live up to the make-believe world of celebrity or maybe even the guy next door who seems to have it all together.

If your husband joked about your body, you’d probably take it very hard, because so many women feel insecure about their bodies. Be aware of how your joking may make him feel.

Humiliation

My online dictionary says that humiliation can be described as “a painful loss of pride, self-respect or dignity,” and comes from the Latin for “make humble.” I am all for being humble, but humiliation is NOT humility. To be shamed, especially in public, is humiliation (and I count social media as public).

Openly comparing your husband to another man sends a message to him and the world that he’s not good enough. Perhaps even worse, it suggests that you wish he were someone else.

Julie’s ex-husband was a writer by trade, and her new husband struggled with words. Once, when commenting on how her kids had picked up their dad’s great writing skills, she noticed the pained look on her husband’s face.

She became painfully aware of the deep impact of that simple statement.

Discouragement

Discouragement is losing confidence and enthusiasm, becoming disheartened and deflated. This is a natural byproduct of being compared negatively with others, whether the deficiency is real or imagined.

If a man feels that he can’t be valuable enough and win respect, he can become so discouraged that he believes his efforts won’t make a difference.

He’s likely to withdraw and may seek respect and value elsewhere, leaving him vulnerable to temptation.

 

 

Comparing Your Mate to Others Also Affects You

How so?

After shopping for a new car, don’t you suddenly see that car everywhere? Once you’re on the comparison merry-go-round, you’ll find yourself doing more comparisons.

You can become resentful and blind to the good things your husband offers, because you’re looking through what I call the “cloudy comparison lens.” You’re focusing on what he doesn’t do instead of all the great things that he does.

You may not be comparing your mate to other men. You may be comparing him to the man that you think he can be, which can be just as damaging or worse.

Let’s be honest. Everyone has a weak spot. Even those men who seem perfect are not. Mine is pretty close, though. 😉

 

Comparisons Can Have a Positive Effect If Used Wisely

Comparisons can help you avoid reinventing the wheel. If you see things that are working for other couples, discuss it with your mate to see if it could work for you, too.

A good friend of mine gets roses delivered to her office every Valentine’s Day. I do not. But, I do get flowers all the time from my hubby, and our tradition is that I get chocolate-covered strawberries for Valentine’s Day. He asked me a few years ago if I wanted roses delivered like my friend Michelle does, and I told him, “No.” I explained that he regularly supplies me with flowers, and not getting roses delivered on Valentine’s Day in no way makes me feel undervalued.

If it had been an issue, I would have been honest and told him. Then, he could have met the need I had.

Broaching the subject of a desire or need can be a delicate situation. Expressing your need in a gentle and compassionate way is the ideal approach.

Ask yourself: Would you want to stay in a marriage if you felt embarrassed, humiliated, undervalued, insecure, or resentful? If you’re comparing your husband to other men, whether privately or publicly, you might want to reconsider what you’re doing. You can ask him if it bothers him, as long as you make it safe for him to be honest.

Better yet, start playing a game with yourself and start counting all the good things that he does.

You’ll both feel a lot better.

For more information, click here for my article on Stop the Public Flogging.

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Have you or your mate ever indulged in negative comparisons? What did you do about it? What helped the most?

Love Always,