Three Elements of Safety In A Healthy Relationship

I went in for a regular checkup with my doctor the other day. The intake form asked me questions about my personal safety and if I feel safe at home. Basically, they wanted to know if anyone was physically harming me. Then, the medical tech who weighed me and took my vitals also asked me if anyone was harming me. Then, once inside the exam room, there was yet again a query about my physical safety. This time, in the form of a flyer on the wall.

As I am prone to apply everything to relationships, this focus on my physical safety got me thinking about relationship safety. So, the hubby and I sat down and had a discussion about safety in relationships, looking for what makes a safe relationship as opposed to an unsafe one.

We recognized that there are basically three types or elements of safety in strong and healthy relationships.

Most people only focus on one type of safety, the physical type. There are, however, actually three types of safety in a relationship. And while physical safety is crucial, all three elements of safety are necessary in order to create a thriving relationship.

Physical Safety

This is the most obvious type of safety in a relationship. It’s understandably what my doctor’s office was focused on. Basically, if anyone is hitting, pushing, kicking, or using any kind of physical force in a relationship, it’s dangerous. I would also add throwing things into this category, too.

Most adults who are physically abused get abused by someone close to them: a family member, a mate, or even a child. Because this blog is about relationships, I will focus on intimate partners as the abusers, not the extended family.

To be fair, it should be noted that abuse perpetuated by women on their mates has increased. As I mentioned in a previous article, “Effective Communication: 7 Barriers to Communication That Most Couples Experience,” a CDC study reported that 40% of all severe domestic abuse is perpetrated against men, and men are more likely to have a weapon used against them than a woman. To read the whole article, click here.

No matter what the statistics are, I want to say that it is never okay for men OR women to abuse their partners. If you or your partner is having problems with anger and/or experiencing physical safety concerns, please reach out and seek professional help immediately.

Emotional Safety

It’s harder to agree on a definition of emotional abuse than physical abuse. In fact, I hear the term “emotional abuse” thrown around quite a lot with my clients. I agree that emotional abuse happens, but I often disagree with my clients on its definition.

For example, arguing and even yelling at your partner does not necessarily constitute emotional abuse.

It depends on how the two partners view this kind of arguing, which is generally a result of previous life experience. Belittling, name calling, ridiculing, and harshly criticizing your mate could easily fall under emotional abuse. Shaming, blaming, and openly criticizing your mate in front of others could also fall under emotional abuse. But, they may not always.

I am not a yeller, so I might be more sensitive to yelling than others. People raised in a large family with loud arguments might feel that simply arguing loudly does not mean there is a lack of love. For others, getting yelled at during childhood meant physical abuse was on the way, so a loud argument could be terrifying.

A client named Dan told me once that he thought his wife didn’t love him because she walked away from him every time there was an argument. He later learned that she had very different reactions to loud arguments than he did based on previous experience.

Some clients claim emotional abuse for things like their husband disagreeing with them, refusing to do a specific activity with them, or denying them something they wanted. Tawna and her husband were saving to buy a new car, and they had agreed to set aside a specific amount each month to save for a large down payment. Tawna decided that she wanted to take some of the money from the car savings and buy a new couch. Bill refused to go along with the new couch idea, and Tawna said to me that his refusal to even talk about it was emotional abuse. I disagree.

Throwing around the term “emotional abuse” and claiming a victim role with the intention of getting your way is tantamount to a toddler throwing a tantrum on the floor of the grocery store because they want a specific cereal.

Real emotional abuse does indeed happen.

When one partner attempts to control another through deception or other overt actions, they are dabbling in emotional abuse. It may be severe criticism, changing the rules constantly, or intentionally doing things to make the partner feel off keel.

You’ve probably heard of gaslighting. This is when one partner does and says things to make it look as if the other partner is crazy or mentally unstable. It comes from the dark 1944 George Cukor film in which the lead male (Charles Boyer) gets the lead female (Ingrid Bergman) to doubt her own sanity as he isolates her in their old house. He intentionally moves or removes things and turns the gas-flame lamps up and down behind her back, treating her as if she imagined the changes. That’s emotional abuse.

Relationship Safety

It might sound much like emotional safety, but relationship safety is vastly different. The difference is about the safety of the relationship itself.

Relationship safety violations happen when one partner acts as if they are prepared to end the relationship at any moment. Consider it the scorched earth option. The way I visualize this is that one partner has poured gas on the floor and is standing there with a lit match. And if the other partner doesn’t do exactly as the first partner wishes, the first partner is threatening to drop the match and burn it all down.

The fear that the relationship is on the verge of doom paralyzes the other partner, who feels as if they are about to be left at any moment for any small mistake or lapse. Figuratively, they are being held hostage. It prevents them from being authentic, prohibits honest communication, and stunts the growth of the relationship.

If you believe the slightest disagreement can cause your mate to stop loving you and leave, your willingness to have those difficult but necessary discussions can drop to zero. It can keep you frozen in fear.

Lynda told me that she used to keep a bag packed at the door for her kids and herself. She did it to reinforce the idea that she could leave her husband, Kyle, at any moment. This went on for years, and it took its toll on their marriage. Lynda said that she wanted Kyle to appreciate her and realize that she didn’t have to stay. She thought it was good for him.

Ladies who are reading this, take note. One of your husband’s greatest fears is that you will leave him and take the kids, too. He likely won’t tell you this, but I can. And will. Because I have had several men tell me this.

Everyone has a breaking point. After 15 years of marriage, Kyle recently filed for divorce and asked for primary custody of their kids. He explained that he didn’t want his ex-wife to pack the kids’ bags and kick them out.

Lynda was shocked when Kyle packed his own bags and left her, refusing to discuss reconciliation. For years, she had abused the relationship by holding desertion over Kyle’s head. This is just as destructive to the relationship as emotionally or physically abusing your partner.

These three elements of safety are about the need to feel safe in a relationship, so it can grow and thrive.

We need all three of these elements for a healthy relationship. Without physical, emotional, or relational safety, you live in a degree of fear and the healthy components of a relationship can’t survive. You can’t trust. You can’t love. You can’t communicate very well, and you can’t relax. Eventually, the relationship gets as undermined as a home with termites. Instead, make an effort to build trust, and don’t forget to reach out for help if you don’t know where to start.

This can be a difficult topic to discuss. Have you ever had to deal with an unsafe relationship, whether your own or someone else’s? How safe do you feel, and how do you take care to maintain all three safety elements in your relationship?