Hey Girlfriend,

Yes, I said girlfriend, even though we don’t likely know each other. But, if I knew you were considering leaving your husband, though, I would invite you over for a cup of tea/coffee (maybe a snack too…definitely some chocolate) and have a long, heartfelt conversation about what is going on. So, in my book that makes us friends. Maybe not besties though, because I already have a couple of those and that title takes time 🙂

Listen, I understand you are hurting and you want the pain to stop. Or maybe you aren’t hurting anymore because you’ve moved past the hurt and onto apathy or numbness where you just do not care anymore.  Either way, you are somewhere in a grief-loss matrix of what was and, more importantly, what could have been.

But, please, before you make this huge decision, can we chat about the realities of what happens when you leave? Like, the real and potential future. Not the idealized one that you have likely conjured up in your mind. Not the one that says, “If I leave this marriage, it will all be ok. That rainbows, butterflies, unicorns and nirvana (not the band) are just around the corner.” Instead, can we chat reality that, honestly, won’t look like anything like those cotton candy daydreams. (Sorry but not sorry to pop that bubble.)

Okay, it’s easy to glamorize the idea of leaving the hubby.  And to believe that all the pieces will fall together as if by magic if you just rid yourself of this man. Afterall, Hollywood makes it look so easy, and the lure of the idea that the pain will stop does too.

But, the reality is, you are about to just trade in one set of problems for another.  The areas you feel as though you have little to no power will undoubtedly become exaggerated once divorced – not dissipate. Trust me the exaggeration of issues is R E A L.

And I’m not even going to throw “religious” stuff at you or beat you up with scripture. That won’t change anything, will it? Jesus himself didn’t even take this approach.  Instead, what I will do is tell you the real deal of how this is likely to go down. And it is probably nothing like you have imagined.

Now, before we get into the realities of divorce, I want to say that if you are dealing with physical abuse then I urge you to seek professional help immediately! Physical safety first, girlfriend! And if you think you are dealing with emotional abuse or relationship abuse then please read my three aspects of safety in a relationship article.

Read: Three Elements of Safety in a Relationship

Ok with that being said, get comfy, settle in, sip your tea/coffee (or start spooning that pint of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream – this is a judgement free zone) and let’s have some tough talk about what will and won’t likely happen if you leave.

Ready? Here goes.

Expect the Disneyland Dad (or Mom) Syndrome

First, you have to know that the mediocre dad will not suddenly become high functioning and more responsible. As you see it, he will have to step up now because he has to. Right? Think again. He will most likely turn in the Disneyland dad instead and undermine many of your efforts. Not necessarily intentionally, but because he will do things his way, not your way. You have a greater power to influence your family when you are IN a relationship rather than you do out of it. It is not just dads, but moms can be prone to this as well.

Finances Will Likely Get Worse

Secondly, you need to know your finances are going to be a mess. For a long time. Seriously. If you fought over money in your marriage already, hold on because you are about to go for a joy ride that will be anything but joyful. You are about to find out just how much people can argue, fight, and bicker over something as simple as paying for kid’s school lunches, transportation for after school activities, allowance and more. How to deal with retirement accounts, taxes, paying for college and weddings will come up.  It can get really ugly, and at times for no other reason than to make the other person hurt. It WILL BE exhausting.

If money was a problem while together, it is probably going to be ten times worse if you divorce . You will have separate housing expenses, including utilities and phone service, extra transportation costs including separate car insurance to deal with. Finding a home in your kid’s school district may mean taking whatever housing you can get. Regardless of the cost or the state of the dwelling.

It is not uncommon for people divorced to have to file bankruptcy. Often the numbers simply do not add up and bankruptcy is the only choice left. This can destroy your credit and limit your future options. Not so glamorous, huh?

Co-Parenting is a Myth

Let’s continue on down the reality list. Co-parenting will probably become a myth. Bickering over bedtime schedules, household rules, homework, church attendance, extra curricular activities and more will be the norm. Diana and her ex-husband fought over immunizations and braces. And ended up back in family court to deal with it. Aileen’s kids went to their dad’s house on weekends and would come back not having showered or brushed their teeth all weekend. Aileen said her ex would have never allowed that when they were married. Robin and Dale constantly fought over allowance. How much and when to give it. Yet, they seemed to have been on the same page when they were married. Topics that were never a problem before will become unexpected challenges. And this doesn’t include the mixed messages about rules that the kids will experience or how to confront the normal teenage problems that most families experience.

Another Woman Will be Raising Your Kid

The illusion for many is that the parenting will get easier and you will have more control. Yet, rarely is this the scenario. And never have I had a client tell me they have honestly considered that someone else, not of their choosing, will be partially raising your kids.  Yep, step parents. Statistically speaking, the man you want to leave is going to move on and find another wife. To a woman who will likely also be divorced and have her own kids. Let that one sink in. Seriously, think about that. This means you will have less control and far less influence over your kids.

You may or may not like her. Nevertheless, you will probably not enjoy sharing your kids with another woman who will bring her own kids into the mix. That other woman will be in your kid’s life (even if your kids are grown) and you will have less influence. And the step siblings will be in your kid’s life as well. Let’s not pretend that you will have any control over these other people and their beliefs, values and actions. You will have Zero. Zip. Zilch. None. Did I stress that enough? Now you might get lucky and your ex may marry a great woman who will love your kids as her own and you will all be on the same page and singing kumbaya. It is a roll of the dice though. And the dice are loaded. So don’t count on it. You have better odds of winning the lottery.

In-Laws May Turn on You

Furthermore, don’t get me started on the in-laws. In-laws who used to be loving and kind can turn rabid in a New York minute. Your in-laws will be loyal to their blood, even if they adore you. If your in-laws are a problem now, you have no idea how bad it can get unless you have seen it first hand. And if they have money that may be funding your ex, expect a demand for more control.

You May Not Like What You Find When You Are “Finding Yourself”

Okay so, maybe, you are thinking that you want to “find” yourself. I get it. Finding yourself and asking, “Is this all that is out there?” is a natural part of life. But divorcing your husband so you can find yourself or find someone that will love you more is a result of camparisionitis. What you will find is you will have regrets and you will undoubtedly question if you left too soon. Most do. Or if you should have left at all. Most do this too. The statistics are against you here. You are are not likely to get out without experiencing gnawing regrets. Are you prepared for this? I’m guessing no.

A woman in my business circle recently announced that she and her husband are divorcing. She says the ex is a great father and they are still good friends, but she wants to find someone that thrills her heart and soul. This woman has her own company, flies around the country on business and has written books. One has to wonder did she neglect the marriage and will she neglect the next. Is she only in it for the honeymoon phase?

In most cases a relationship that was once good can be restored. Yep. TRUTH.  But it will take work. Another truth.

I know that you may be tired of working hard on the relationship or you may even feel that you want him to step up or that you are tired of doing all the work. But hear me loud and clear: leaving and starting a new relationship will be even harder and even more work. Maybe it is time to work smarter and not harder.

Interestingly, research suggests that unhappy couples who stay together report being happier 5 years later. Even when they did not work on the marriage. Maybe it is a case of time healing.

In an age of immediate gratification and loss of social capital, what legacy does divorce leave for your children? Yes, children can bounce back. Especially if parents put great effort into reassuring and nurturing the kids. But let’s be honest, if one does not put great effort into the marriage to save it, are they going to put great effort into the family after the divorce?

What Will Your Legacy Be?

Don’t undervalue the importance of your legacy. I am not going to say you will be branded with a scarlet letter, but finding another mate and having them feel like you are trustworthy is harder. A new mate may wonder if you will also leave them. Thus, making it hard for them to fully invest in you and ultimately the marriage.

There are statistics which show you are more likely to divorce in a second marriage if your first marriage ended in divorce. I agree and disagree with this stat.

Yes, if you divorce, don’t do the deep interpersonal work (most do not) and you remarry someone similar to your first marriage then yep, you are probably destined for the same fate. If you do the work and recognize YOUR responsibly in the demise of the marriage, take stock of your strengths and weaknesses, grow your communication skills, develop decision making muscles and recognize what sunk the first marriage, you can statistically do better. But if you are going to do all that work after the marriage ends, why not do it before you end the marriage and increase your chances of a healthy marriage?

It is much easier to save a troubled marriage than to end one and start over.

Most people think starting over fresh is going to be easier. Not so. And you know what, you don’t even need BOTH parties to be actively working on the marriage to improve it. Yes, one person can make a difference.

Listen, I acknowledge that not all troubled marriages can be or should be saved. But what if yours can be? Isn’t it worth finding out?

Well, our coffee break is over and our snacks are gone too. But, hopefully the vision of how the future could go is not. I always want the best for marriages, and knowing reality can benefit it.

If you are struggling and want to find out more about how to save a troubled marriage, reach out. This is what we are all about: helping you create thriving marriages, even when times are tough. And if you are not sure if you should stay, go, or wait ask about On Decision counseling.

In love and honesty,