Fighting Fair: 10 Tips to Resolving Marital Conflicts

Have you ever had a cоnflісt or disagreement with your partner?
Sure, you have. Who hasn’t? They’re a pretty nаturаl part of any rеlаtіоnѕhір, right?

Ask anyone who’s been married for any length of time, and they’ll agree. Some rough waters and stormy seas are expected – not to mention the occasional typhoon!

Partners who understand how to navigate thе rough patches and weather the storms make strong couples. Experience is the best teacher, of course, but it never hurts to have a sextant, compass, and (nowadays) a GPS!

We may as well get this out in the open now – sometimes navigating these conflicts involves fighting. And I never mean a physical fight, but I do mean that even happy couples can get into heated arguments.

You never want to escalate the fight and do long-term emotional damage. So, if you and your spouse see a storm coming, it’s time to embrace these 10 ways to “Fight Fair.”

1. Have ground rules.

The best time to decide how to fight is before your first one.

Okay, so maybe you missed that opportunity and your first fight is long over. Right now would be a good time to discuss what worked and didn’t work (i.e., what techniques hurt the most, and which ones offered the best information). Don’t wait until you’re mad again!

Ground rules include not bringing up the past, not calling your spouse names that can hurt their feelings, and not labeling your spouse’s feelings (as in, “That’s stupid!”).

Never say that your spouse is overreacting. Never use his or her secrets or weaknesses like weapons. Since he or she trusted you enough to open up to you, don’t betray that trust.

And if either party feels that they need a cooling off period, let them have it!

I, for one, sometimes need space to gather my thoughts and to get clearer before having important conversations.

An obvious ground rule is that no one can use violence or threats of any kind. Even if you’re thinking, “My spouse knows I don’t really mean it,” you’re in the process of undermining trust instead of growing it. That’s just too high a price to pay for winning an argument.

Most importantly, your primary ground rule is that you’re always looking for a positive outcome, not just a win for one or the other.

2. Know what you are feeling.

Oftentimes, what we’re fighting about isn’t even the real issue. In fact, this is probably the most common problem people find in fighting fair and getting a good outcome for both people.

Take some time to understand what you’re really feeling and upset about. Otherwise, even if you both think you resolved the problem, you can’t really resolve anything. Sometimes, it’s not what your spouse is doing, but it’s feeling that, “I can’t handle this.” Your spouse may just be caught in a crossfire.

I, for one, have overreacted to a small issue because I was worried or stressed about something totally unrelated.

3. Understand that anger feels real, but it’s actually a façade for something else.

Okay, work with me here. When you’re fuming with the adrenaline-pumping feelings of anger, do you, or did you, feel hurt, scared, or disappointed at some point before?

A lot of times, those disempowering feelings feel so awful that it feels better to get angry. It’s a psychological reality that escapes about 99% of us while it’s happening.

Ask yourself if you’d rather feel victimized or powerful? When you feel trapped, hurt, or helpless, it feels 100% better to blame someone else than to continue feeling that bad.

Your spouse may have triggered your anger, but anger is kind of like an infestation of ants – they’re probably just eating the termites in your walls, which is the real, underlying problem. Until you make peace with the idea that the ants are trying to tell you something, you’ll blame them instead of addressing the real issue.

I’m not saying that your spouse’s behavior is never the problem! But once you realize that anger is a façade and can take on a life of its own, you now have the peace and wisdom to think clearly and logically about a good solution for both of you.

(And you’re most likely going to figure it out in the shower, so why not save yourself the battle scars?)

4. Be prepared to negotiate and compromise.

It is not about winning or losing. It’s about a resolution that you can both live with.  As in all high-level negotiations, you may not resolve it ALL in one sitting.

Be realistic and ready to do what’s best for the relationship, even if it means that you won’t get exactly what you want this red-hot minute. What you really want, overall, which is a good life, can be achieved when you’re willing to put in the time to fight fair.

 

5. Decide on a mutually agreeable time and place.

Do I really need to say this? Yes, I think I do! Never fight in the bedroom! It destroys intimacy. That’s got to be a safe place for both of you.

The ability to resolve the problem without tainting the future can rely heavily on the time and place of discussion.

No fighting where one partner is standing in the doorway, making the other partner feel captive. This is not fighting fair.

No fighting when your partner is compromised, meaning tired, hungry, intoxicated, or distracted. This is not fighting fair.

Consider important discussions during walks with your partner. Having the physical activity with your partner burns off the chemicals that create anger.

And do not fight in front of kids or others! Fights are bad enough without spreading them around.

6. Stay on a single topic.

It’s tempting to bring up the past or talk about other things that are bothering you, but it often does more harm than good.

Be clear – stay on the topic of contention.

But, be sure to schedule a time to talk about the other topic(s), so that you both know you’ll get a chance to be heard. Remember, it takes physical effort to fight, especially when adrenaline’s involved, so just reassure each other that you can work through any issues if you devote the time to doing it.

7. Use specifics.

Avoid vague comments, generalities, or criticisms such as, “You always forget our anniversary.”

Instead, say, “It hurts that you didn’t remember our anniversary,” or, “I feel unimportant when you don’t make time for us to have date nights.” These are great examples of how to be specific without being accusatory or overgeneralizing.

By the way, accusatory tones are just as bad as straightforward accusations. Either one puts your partner on the defensive, and rarely is productive.

8. Don’t disguise the issue.

Don’t avoid the bigger issue by picking on the little issues.

Disagreements are like icebergs – there’s something much bigger under the surface. Financial stresses or worries about an ailing parent can come out when you snap at your mate or criticize the littlest things.

Instead of trying to avoid the big issue, as we often do because the little ones seem much easier to tackle, be honest. Tell your mate you’ve got something on your mind that feels like a big deal. That’s not going to put your mate on the defensive, because it could be anything. And your mate will let you pick a time and place to discuss a big deal, because it obviously needs to be discussed in depth.

 

9. Take the listen, clarification, and repeat approach.

Take this approach. Listen fully, and then ask for clarification if needed. Then repeat back what your mate has said. This will put your spouse at ease, knowing that you’re hearing the issue. But ask some questions, too, because while you might remember the words that were spoken, that’s no guarantee that you understand what your mate was trying to say!

Just being very clear that you’re both understood can help keep tempers in check. An important part of this step is to grant equal time to both parties.

10. Make the primary goal to be a positive outcome.

The goal is not just to win or get your way, but to gain a better understanding of the situation and your mate. Find new information that you can both use to make a stronger marriage. Let it be known up front that you’re looking for win-win solutions and to fight fair.

When dealing with conflicts in your marriage, it’s important to keep the communication lines open and fight fair. People evolve, so gathering information is an ongoing necessity.

It’s not healthy to keep quiet and expect the conflict to just go away on its own. If the communication lines are not open, and the conflicts in your relationship are not being discussed, there is a high chance that the same kind of issues and conflicts will happen over and over again until the marriage suffers long term or permanent damage.

Fighting fair, you might just avoid turning a gentle breeze into the hurricane that capsizes the ship.

Tell me, which of these rules do you already follow? And how much do they help?

Much Love,