The Secret to Successful Girlfriendships: 4 C's That Destroy or Strengthen Friendships

Hey girlfriend, grab a cup of coffee or tea and let’s have a chat.

I am a believer in female friendships.

Actually, more than just a believer, I am a huge proponent of women having and nurturing girlfriendships. Yes, I call it girlfriendship. You might not find that word in the dictionary, but you’ll find it in my heart. Because my girlfriends are amazing and I need them. And they need me.

Our girlfriend relationships fulfill us in ways that other relationships cannot.

Have you ever noticed you can talk to one of your girlfriends for hours, solve nothing and feel like all is right with the world when the conversation is over?  Also, have you ever noticed our husbands do not make very good girlfriends. They love us and they are supportive, but they are not our girlfriends. Nor should we ever expect them to be.

But, I’ve noticed a bothersome trend with my clients lately: a lack of female friendships. Some of my clients report having only one friend or even no female friends in some cases. They used to have more friends, but it seems as life progresses, those friendships dropped off. This leaves a hole in our lives where a meaningful girlfriendship should be.

So, why do we have so few girlfriendships? Well, it really boils down to 4 harmful things we do. I call them the 4 C’s.

The 4 C’s that Actively Destroy Friendships

1 & 2. Comparing & Contrasting

First, we compare. We size up other women and measure ourselves against them. We make note of our similarities or differences and make a mental tally of where we rank. For example, we compare the achievements of our kids. Whose kid made more A’s and whose kid in the starting quarterback? We compare our husbands’ jobs or pay so we know who is “better off.” We compare the square footage of our homes, our own level of education, and maybe even how often and which church we attend.

Then we compound the comparison by contrasting. We actively, albeit maybe unconsciously, call attention to notable differences. Comparing and contrasting naturally leads to the third C.

3. Competing

We can ultimately find ourselves not enjoying our girlfriends but instead competing with them. We work to establish superiority by somehow defeating them or gaining something they do not have. Who can throw the better summer party? Who volunteers more in their kid’s classroom or baked more cookies for the bake sale? Rather than cheering one another on, we’re racing each other (nevermind if you rejoice as they trip and fall). When did friendships become a sport?

4. Criticizing

Finally if our girlfriend does not measure up, then we criticize or correct her. We call attention to her faults, foibles, errors, or differences in a disapproving way. We let her know we disapprove by making unsolicited recommendations or even sanctioning them. One of my clients was recently hurt by some friends who did not include her and her daughter in playdates because her daughter has a disability. Or perhaps because she does not attend church regularly, or because she didn’t breastfeed.

Instead, strong girlfriendships are consistently based on 4 other uplifting C’s.

The 4 C’s that Actively Build Friendships

1. Connect

When we seek to uplift our friendships, we build links to them. We reach out and make an effort to connect – via text, phone, email or an invite to coffee. It’s easy to get lost in the day to day hustle of life, our families needs, and our other obligations. In today’s technological advances, we’ve literally never had MORE ways to connect with our friends. Reach out to them in some way . Get connected to them by making an effort to understand them (especially their strengths and weaknesses) and be a solid support system.

2. Companionship

Connecting naturally leads to companionship and it’s what strong relationships are built on. Companionship comes through shared experiences, irregardless if these experiences are positive, happy, unpleasant or unwelcome. Think about the people you are most bonded to. I bet it’s the people who were there with you through life’s hurts and life’s celebrations.

3. Compromise

Every lasting relationship experiences compromise. Compromise is made of up each party giving and taking and making concessions. It means we do not insist on having our way all of the time and we don’t dominate the relationship. There’s no room for a bully in a friendship.

4. Care

Care is all about giving of yourself so a friend’s life is improved and made better.  It can be as simple as remembering an significant date in her life or as important as encouraging good self-care. I have a friend that has decided to go back to school after many years, and it means the world to her when I just check on her and ask about her classes. Reaching out on birthdays is important to another friend of mine. However, being present during difficult times may be important to other friends.

Do girlfriendships take time? Yep.
Effort? You bet.
A willingness to be vulnerable, transparent, and real with another? Of course.
But, are they so very worth it? A resounding YES!

In Friendship,