Times When It's Probably Better to Forgo the Wisdom to Never Go to Bed Angry

No one likes to wake up feeling cranky. But that just might be the most memorable outcome if you follow that revered, age-old advice: Never go to bed angry.

It almost feels blasphemous to say it, but there are times when it’s much better to sleep on an argument than trying to stay up and hash it out. Yep, I just said go ahead and go to bed angry. 

Here are the times it might be better to table a discussion and get some rest.

One or Both of You Are Sick or Very Tired

You’ve been arguing for some time about when to paint the garage, but your mate blew off the date you made and left you hanging with brushes, a can full of paint, and no one to help move things out of the way. Now, on top of it, your mate is complaining that they don’t feel well after a long day and can’t talk about the broken trust lines. 

You might feel justified in wanting to blow off some steam, but you’re exhausted, and your mate is sick. If you broach the subject and clearly aren’t getting anywhere, consider saving your energy when you can get your mate’s full attention.

The Big Event Is Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the big day. You finally have your chance to make the big presentation to your Board of Directors, an event you’ve been planning and strategizing for well over a year. But It’s getting close to midnight, and your mate wants to “talk”. Worse, they’re not interested in putting off the discussion despite your very logical reasons for wanting to postpone it until tomorrow afternoon.

In an ideal world, you’d be able to reassure your mate that you do want to talk – tomorrow. But your mate isn’t hearing it. It’s going to be challenging, and there are times that you will decide to stay up late for a pressing concern, but you need to get some sleep in this situation.

Although your mate will probably be angry and you’ll feel some anxiety, opening a huge can of worms the night before such an important event may not serve either of you. It could be the same way before a big ceremony that you’re both going to attend such as a wedding or a graduation. Big events often cause distress and pressure even in the best relationships. 

When One or Both Are Under the Influence

When one or both of you have been enjoying some alcohol just a little too freely, it’s very easy for communication to be misinterpreted or even carelessly delivered. Sometimes, people get just a little too blunt, and they hurt feelings by talking carelessly. Trying to talk to someone under the influence is not likely to get the result you desire and in fact is likely to escalate into an argument. If you are tired as well it only serves to lower the chances of a good result when you stay up trying to have a “constructive” conversation.

When You Don’t Know What You’re Arguing About Anymore

If you ask a couple what they are fighting about when they’re in the middle of a difficult discussion, some won’t even know the reason anymore. All too often, they’ll have traveled down a “rabbit trail” of many unrelated topics. And, if they can’t stay on topic, resolving the conflict will be challenging at best, making it far more likely that one or both will bring up more topics that muddy the communication waters even more. 

When You’re in “Fight” Mode

When you’re in the middle of a difficult discussion with your mate, you may notice that you are suddenly in “fight” or “win-at-all-costs” mode. Your body is giving you signs that you are entering a battle instead of participating in a constructive talk. You may need to take a step back rather than fight your mate. Fight mode includes an increase in stress hormones, an elevated heart rate, or an adrenaline surge that will likely prevent you from thinking rationally. 

It can be hard to tame the chemicals surging through you. Meditation, a long walk, or a shower may be in order. If it’s late, your best option may be to sleep rather than prolong a fight that likely won’t solve anything.

The Bottom Line

When people are out of sorts, hurting, tired, anxious, or impaired, they tend to be less able to have a caring, rational conversation. Even when ironing out problems is attempted sincerely, people can easily lose track of the main points, forget what they meant to say, and misinterpret their partners. Sometimes, these conversations get so far off topic that you don’t even know what you’re fighting about anymore! And it’s seriously tempting to bring up old issues that you or your mate thought were resolved already. Sometimes, things can escalate to threats or throwing things.

Part of the conundrum is that your limbic (survival) system kicks in, and it’s literally impossible to process feelings, needs, and information properly. This is really the opposite of what you want – empathetic, honest, and constructive communication.

As author Ryan Howes, PhD, says, “Buried resentments wreak havoc over time.” Being tired removes your ability to weigh your words, stick to the present, and consider the consequences of what you are saying. You need time and ideally, a calm environment to process the challenges you’re trying to discuss.

Warmly,