Settle Your Differences in Private: 5 Reasons to Avoid Discussing Differences in Public

We’ve all been there. We’re out on a double date with another couple and once again, they’ve got to argue a seemingly ridiculous point or knock each other down in front of us. It’s not only embarrassing and uncomfortable, but unfortunately can cause the demise of a relationship.

We might love our friends to pieces, but it causes us considerable grief to watch them tear each other down in an attempt to one-up each other.

Here are 5 reasons (and some help) to avoid discussing your differences in public. Hopefully, you won’t fall into this trap.

1. Too Focused on Being Right

We all know people that need to be right. Heck, who doesn’t like to be right? But some folks defend a position and justify it at a heavy cost: the relationship. When others are watching, we may be more tempted to defend our position or want to be “right” in an attempt to avoid looking bad or humbled in front of others.

When we’re more focused on being right than we are on being happy, we may end up “right” AND unhappy. Defending a position for the sake of being right can damage a relationship, but leveraging the power of compromise can maintain the health of the relationship.

Sometimes, compromising is not a loss, but a gain, because it pays off dividends over time. At the very least, recognize that agreeing to disagree is far healthier than insisting that your mate capitulates.

2. Forcing Others to Pick Sides

When couples argue and fight in public, it sometimes forces the people around them to pick sides. Some folks air their dirty laundry precisely for this reason: to force others to get involved and to pick sides. Sometimes people don’t realize that they’re doing this, but if they get others to pick sides and get more people on their side, then, by default, they must be “right.”

What they really need is validation. While this technique is related to the “right or happy” approach in #1 above, it’s a symptom of insecurity and the need to control the outcome of every argument. It’s less about being “right” than being insecure, but it always feels to the arguing couple that being “right” is of paramount importance.

3. Tempted to Perform

When others are watching, it’s only natural to want to look good in front of them. This might tempt you to “perform” for the sake of the audience. Guys don’t want to look henpecked or nagged, so they might snap back or call their mate names. A woman may feel the safety of others, and say mean and hurtful things that she might not otherwise say. Avoid the performance temptation by simply saying, “Let’s talk about this in private.”

And don’t let others encourage your public differences. I was at a wedding once, and a couple at the table behind me was arguing. In an attempt to defuse the situation, the boyfriend got up and went to get the girlfriend a soda. While he was gone, another woman at the table encouraged the girlfriend to stand up for herself and not tolerate his behavior.

While I’m sure that the table mate didn’t know the whole story and thought she was being supportive, in reality she just kept the girlfriend riled up. When the boyfriend came back with the peace offering of a soda, the girlfriend started in on him again. Only this time, she was using the words that the “helpful” table mate had been using while he was gone. It seemed like the girlfriend was seeking the “helpful” table mate’s approval more than the health of the relationship.

4. Decompression Time is Needed

When you’re angry or upset, your body releases a barrage of neurochemicals. In life-or-death situations, these chemicals are your body’s way of helping you. But, fight or flight chemicals like adrenaline, the stress hormone cortisol, and a host of others just keep you agitated. They function like someone continuing to shake up a bottle of carbonated soda until it’s ready to blow.

You need time to let the neurochemicals subside or dissipate. Try burning them off by taking a long walk or exercising. Give them time to dissipate by listening to relaxing music, doing something creative, writing affirmations, or taking a long hot shower. And breathe.

5. You Listen Better in a Safe Place

When couples set aside a time to discuss concerns and differences, they not only report feeling safer to discuss their problems, but also more hopeful. Both of these feelings go a long way towards authentically being heard and also hearing your partner, and that leads to a much greater chance of resolving problems.

When you read these stories about other couples, it’s easy to see how damaging it can be to argue in public. And it’s also very easy to see how setting up a safe time and place to bring up any issues or problems can aid in the resolution and soothing of them. However, when you’re the couple doing the public arguing, it’s a very hard habit to break, and sometimes one party just isn’t willing to stop.

If you feel trapped in this kind of behavior, simply realize that a flame without fuel will eventually die out. It’s not good to sit like a martyr and let other people see you getting pummeled verbally by your mate – that can actually damage your relationship as much as fighting back in public. Just let your mate know that you’re trying to break your own habit of arguing in public, and don’t make it his or her problem. Let them know that you’re really interested in creating a new habit of talking in a safe place about any issues that might come up, and don’t forget to let your mate know that you still love him or her.

If the problem persists, seek professional help or consider my On Decision Couples CounselingOn Decision Couples Counseling for Struggling Couples.

Much Love,