To Study or Not to Study Your Husband: 9 Benefits to Studying Your Husband

I appreciate it when my husband does something really sweet for me.

Whether it’s rare or commonplace, it warms my heart when he takes the time to study me and figure out how I will react to a gift, a date, or any means of expressing affection. Unlike when someone gives you a gift that will sit and collect dust or end up re-gifted. Yes, I admit it. I have re-gifted things. Especially, if I think the gift is ideal for someone else.

The underlying intention is important. A gift that “fits” me makes me feel as though I matter.

What if you became an expert at what your mate likes and doesn’t like?  In my INLOVE approach to relationships, the L is for learning about your mate. You might think you already know everything about him or even believe you shouldn’t have to accommodate him, but let me suggest how consciously studying him can bring you joy and fantastic results in your marriage.

9 Reasons I Study My Husband and How It Helped My Marriage

1. To Connect More Easily, Deeply, & Practically

When we play the game of studying our men, we simply make mental notes of what he likes and dislikes. We can do this by asking questions or just observing how he reacts to different things. If he thanks you for doing things for him, no matter how small or insignificant they are, make a note!

Likewise, if you notice he didn’t respond to some great effort you put forth, stop blaming him. Learn about him instead. What’s important to you might not be that important to him.

2. To Support in Times of Tragedy

Our husband are gifts from God. They are truly amazing. For all the times my husband was/is there for me, I want to be there for him. What better way to do this than watching him and making a mental note of his likes, dislikes, preferences, and passions? When the time comes that he may need comfort, I want to be there in the most profound way, just like he’s been there for me and our family.

3. For the Fun of It

I approach marriage with a serious understanding of scriptural commandments to love each other. But, you know what, there’s nothing wrong with loving each other for the fun of it.

Probably the best-kept secret is it’s really fun to be in a marriage in which the two of you love each other very much. You can choose to make it a chore, or you can choose to focus on the things you really do love about each other.

Ask yourself this: if you know all it takes to please him is to wear red or make some macaroni, wouldn’t it be fun to surprise him with those things once in awhile? You don’t have to make a chore of it. Instead make it fun.

4. To Be “Intriguing”

Make it a game. Make it fun.

This is like one of those efforts you do just for yourself, and not to make an impression on someone else. Let’s say you were playing tennis with a Lobster machine. You don’t care if anyone’s paying attention to your swing (they’re not). You’re doing it for you. I know from playing sports as a teen — if you want to be good at playing a game, you need to practice.

Maybe you don’t see marriage as a game, but maybe that’s why so many of them are troubled. Why not study your mate just to see if you can figure him out? Study him to notice what is unique and special, not to look for flaws and weaknesses. Make it your version of I Spy 🙂

5. So You Both Get What You Need When You Need It

My husband used to track my “cycle” with a phone app, although nowadays, I don’t have much to track. Some of my friends were utterly offended on my behalf, but understanding my cycle — if a man ever really can 😉 — was his way of being prepared to “have my back” when I might be physically, mentally, and emotionally not at my best. 🙂

This simple act of observing me allowed him to be more kind, understanding, and helpful.  He would take on more tasks, bring me flowers, buy my favorite snack, etc. What a man!

Since I started studying him, I’ve been able to respond to his needs better, too. As a couple, this lighthearted approach has made us close enough we can often predict when the other needs a little play time, distance, or talking. And knowing this makes our lives easier.

6. To Feed Your Curiosity

Here are some questions you can ask yourself about your mate. If you don’t know the answers, ask him or just watch him until you figure them out.

• What are his “tells” when he is stressed or nervous? My hubby rubs his forehead when stressed, deep in thought or something is troubling him.
• How does he recharge? And does it involve time alone or with others?
• Do you know his favorite food, dessert, or drink?
• Does he have a favorite childhood memory?
• What’s his favorite activity – sports, concerts, sailing, lectures, or other?
• If he could travel anywhere in the world, where would he go? Asking this question is what led Joel and I to take a trip to Europe and Israel.
• What would he do if he won the lottery for 10 million dollars?
• What is his favorite article of clothing? Why? Is it the color? The texture? The fit?
• If you went to a restaurant, could you order a meal for him he would like?
• What is his love language? His top basic need?
• What does he think are his best and worst attributes?

I could go on and on. There are unlimited possibilities for learning about your husband, and knowledge is power.

7. To Make Your Girlfriends Take Note

Eventually, your friends are going to start realizing you’re having more fun and living life with your husband more lightly. You might just get asked, “What’s going on with you two?”

Some of them might be afraid you’re selling out and turning into a doormat if you study your husband. Nothing could be further from the truth. You’re already married – you’re just making the most of it. And the game is really for you, after all.

8. To Save Yourself Effort & Heartache

If you’re familiar with the 5 Love Languages then you understand how we express our love and how we want to be shown love may not always match up. Showing your mate love with gifts if his top love language is time will not get you the best results.

When you know what your husband loves at different times, seasons, and occasions, you can be ready for it. And it just makes life simpler. And happier.

9. To Revive Your Interest in Marriage

The bottom line is when you put your attention into learning anything, you start discovering nuances you didn’t previously notice. At the very least, you’re going to confirm what you already know about your mate, so you can focus on what he truly likes. Ideally, you’ll find out some new information about him that was there all along.

INLOVE includes valuing, appreciating, and yes, even accommodating the differences between you two and your individual quirks. You don’t have to be in a creepy Stepford Wife mode or turn into a codependent. Make it light, and focus on what makes your mate happy.

Remember, great things often start with the smallest of steps.

Happy studying, friend,