You may not know this about me, but I LOVE to travel. I love the destinations, the journey to get there, the different foods, and I especially love people and people watching. (Any other people watchers out there?) This is also why I love traditions, customs, and learning about what works in marriage and what doesn’t.
Whether across the country or across the world, communication with people is always interesting. Inevitably, there are lots of opportunities for miscommunication and confusion. If we ever have a chance to sit and have a cup of tea or coffee together, remind me to tell you the story of when my husband and I were in Italy, and I got sick and we had to try to get medicine from the pharmacy. It’s funny now … not so much then 😉 Not understanding the culture and the language made for some serious challenges.
Unfortunately, our relationships can face the same frustrations if we don’t learn to speak our mate’s love language.
Chapman’s 5 Love Languages
Have you ever heard of The 5 Love Languages ? In short, Dr. Gary Chapman proposes that people show and recognize love in five main ways – what he calls love languages. Chapman developed a quiz and wrote a book to help readers narrow down their primary love language(s). The idea is for both mates to identify how they show and receive love so that they can begin showing love in their mate’s primary language(s).
Just as with someone who speaks a foreign language, the message you speak is useless if it’s not understood by the one you’re speaking it to (EEEK!).
No worries if haven’t read the book or taken the quiz. After I explain them you might be able to determine which of the 5 Love Languages you favor and possibly even which your mate does. You might decide you don’t even need to take the quiz, but I encourage it anyway.
Knowing your love language and your mate’s love language helps you to communicate with one another about times you are feeling loved and times you are not. Chapman describes how every person has a love tank. Just as a car won’t run when it’s tank is on empty (I may have learned this lesson the hard way a time or two), a marriage will struggle to run smoothly when your love tank or your mate’s love tank is running on low or empty. By showing your mate love in their primary language(s), you can fill one another’s tanks.
For now, here is a summary (in no particular order) of the five different love languages.
Words of Affirmation
Some people need to hear (or read) affirmation of your love. For some, they may long to hear phrases like “I love you” or “You’re so beautiful” or “You’re important to me.” Others might need to hear appreciation such as “I respect you” or “Thank you for working so hard for our family.”
These affirmative and uplifting phrases can be verbally spoken to your mate or even texted throughout the work day. Imagine the smile on your mate’s face when he/she opens their phone to read these loving words. If your mate works a different shift than you, leave a sticky note on the bathroom mirror or dashboard of the car. (Sometimes I even use red lipstick to leave the hubs a little love note on the bathroom mirror.) Simple and consistent words of love can fill a love tank for someone who is craving this affirmation.
Quality Time
Perhaps you most feel loved when your mate spends time with you. Undivided attention (something harder and harder to get in our busy, media inundated culture), sharing a movie or quiet dinner together (bring on the tacos!), or possibly doing an activity together that you enjoy may be what fills your love tank.
Each person has their own nuances and one person who favors a love language may not necessarily find the same things important as another who favors the same language. For example, quality time for some means quiet time watching TV together. Quality time is high for my husband. I like long drives together but also sitting with a cup of tea and coffee and chatting about the future.
Juli and Juan’s situation makes their love languages a challenge. Juan travels for work but Juli’s primary love language is time. Juan fills Juli’s love tank by talking to her while he is driving. Juan also makes sure they have quality and uninterrupted time when he is home (Way to go Juan!).
Acts of Service
Another way love is communicated is by doing something for your mate. The possibilities for this are endless, so try out several things and watch your mate’s reaction to different services. This will help you see what really makes them tick.
They might feel loved when you wash the dishes or fold the laundry for them. (Insert “applause” here, right ladies?) Maybe you build that flower bed she’s been asking for or you cook his favorite dinner for no particular reason other than to show love and appreciation. An act of service could be letting them sleep in while you dress the kids and take them to school. It could be something as simple as bringing them a snack while they’re busy working on the computer.
Acts of service are gestures that show you took effort to do something kind and unexpected for your mate. The fact that you thought of them and took initiative can speak louder to some people than the words “I love you.”
Gifts
Still, other’s primary love language may be that of gifts. Someone with this love language appreciates small, tangible gestures of love. This doesn’t have to be some big, extravagant purchase because for the gifts person, it’s really just about how you thought of them.
Headed home from the grocery store? Grab their favorite treat to show them you thought of them (chocolate moose tracks ice cream please). On a work trip? Don’t miss the souvenir shop. Wife having a tough week? Grab her a gift certificate to her favorite spa. Hubby a big sports fan? Order his favorite team jersey for game day.
Every time your mate sees the item you gave them, they’ll be visibly reminded of your love. Plus, imagine your pride when you see your mate wearing, eating, displaying, or somehow using the item you specifically picked out for them.
Physical Touch
The final love language is that of physical touch. Before you jump to any R rated conclusions, let me clarify. Love can be communicated by simply holding your mate’s hand. I love it when my husband reaches over and take my hand in the car as we ride. Communicate love with a kiss on the forehead as you walk through the room. Even brushing the small of the back or forearm as your pass by your mate in the kitchen can be enough to say “I love you.” A random hug can work wonders for filling a love tank back up.
Yes, the physical touch love language can include sexual intimacy. For some, they feel loved by their mate when they make sex a priority by being available and excited to share it. For many men, it’s a hit to their pride when their wives reject them sexually or are “unexcitable” partners.
How They Benefit Your Marriage
Knowing what makes your mate tick is a gift and is to be used wisely – never to be used against them. In premarital counseling, I stress that understanding our mate’s love language is important for a strong and healthy marriage and that the foolish couple is the one that uses it to hurt their mate or weaken their marriage.
Unfortunately, I have had clients use the love languages against their mates – as a form of punishment. When they were mad at their mate, they would intentionally withhold their mate’s love language. Rather than using what you know about your mate’s love language as a weapon when you’re upset, use it at these times as an olive branch to reach a peaceful resolution or an ice breaker to bridge some distance.
Study your mate. Get to know him/her even more by delving into your mate’s love language (seriously, that kind of studying is way better than studying was in school). Don’t judge it, just enjoy learning about your mate and all of his/her unique qualities.
Do you know your primary love language(s)? What are they? What is your mate’s and how to do you show them love?
Studying and Celebrating Love,
3 Reactions to a Break-Up or Loss of Relationship (Tip: Only 1 Will Set You Up for Success Later)
If you have been alive for more than a minute, you have had to deal with some form of loss in your life. And to be honest (because you can always count on me for honesty) loss just plain sucks. Whether it be loss of a job, a friend, opportunity, or the dissolving of a...
The Art of Danish Hygge: Living Cozy All Year Long
When you look at the word, “hygge,” does it remind you of “hug”? Do you get inspired to cuddle a loved one or cuddle yourself under a big, warm blanket with a hot chocolate and a great book? If it does, you wouldn’t be too far off the mark from understanding the...
1 Corinthians 13: The Love Chapter in the Bible
I can’t count the number of weddings I have been to where the minister reads from 1 Corinthians 13. So appropriately dubbed “the love chapter,” I bet you’ve heard at least part of it. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not...
Comparisons: Why You Should Never Compare Your Husband to Other Men
There is a married woman who runs in the same business circles as I do. We are not close friends, but we’re friends on Facebook. This lady has a major crush on a celebrity and posts pictures of him on Facebook when she is in need of a pick me up. She has other friends...
- related posts that you may like -
Bringing Surprise to Love
February is the month of love, lovers and showing love. So, who else but the Dr. of Love, Leo Buscaglia, should remind us of the value of keeping love fresh and new. The following message is from the book Born for Love: Reflections on Loving by Leo Buscaglia. Be sure...
Is Decision Fatigue Affecting Your Marriage?
Teresa was a new client. We had seen each other just twice. And like I do with all my clients, I looked for patterns in the concerns she shared with me. Among her problems, Teresa noted that she and her husband were arguing more in the evenings and towards the end of...
7 Daily Rituals of Happy Couples: Are You Doing These?
No two couples are alike. But happy couples have 7 common daily rituals or habits that set them apart from those who are less happy. 1. Start the Mornings off Right It’s easy to get into a morning routine of coffee, make-up, hair, and breakfast, completely ignoring...
Effective Communication: 7 Barriers to Communication That Most Couples Experience
Effective communication is crucial to healthy relationships. Solving relational problems; discussing hopes, dreams, and goals; making vacation plans; and even simple daily activities are based on communication. Good communication is often fun! Optimizing communication...
