The ADHD Effect

Our marriages are a place to bring all of our good, bad, and ugly. It’s the place to bring our growth and our challenges. And sometimes, those challenges are things beyond our control. Consider the couple where one mate has been diagnosed with a terminal disease. Would we blame our mate for it? Would we lash out at them for needing medical treatment? For being sick or tired or for struggling to perform tasks that we view as simple? No. We wouldn’t. We’d understand the obstacles in front of them (and ourselves), offer empathy and understanding and love, and find ways to navigate life in light of the diagnosis. Because we love our mates.

But what if the obstacle in your mate’s path or your path was something not as obvious? What if rather than a diagnosis of a physical ailment, it was the diagnosis of a disorder that made it difficult for them to operate and navigate relationships and day to day tasks the way your brain processes them? For many couples, this is reality. In a marriage where one or both of the partners has ADHD, Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, there may be a special set of challenges that require unique needs or approaches.

Dr. Melissa Orlov’s The ADHD Effect brings light to these challenges for such couples, but also goes beyond that to bring solutions! Orlov not only explains to readers exactly why there’s the disconnect between the ADHD mate and the non-ADHD mate, but she shares practical strategies (without being bogged down in scientific jargon) for couples who need guidance on how to navigate what is, for many, a tumultuous terrain. With expertise and experience, Orlov offers workable advice here and an invaluable hope for understanding ourselves and our mates. Rather than blaming the ADHD mate and rather than making excuses for either mate, this book provides tools for resolving challenges and ways for supporting your spouse. 

If you’re going to learn how to tackle obstacles head on, you’ve got to understand them first.

If you’re going to know how to tackle obstacles head on, you’ve got to understand them first. We don’t go into the forest blindly without a map or an understanding of the terrain. So, Orlov outlines 12 distinct patterns of couples who battle with ADHD within their marriage, and she gives real-world, real-life, real-time examples for each. Plus you’ll find a few personal stories for each. I dare you not to relate!!! And then, when Orlov spells out the exact scenarios you’ve found yourself in (and trust me you will), she carries further along into the necessary approach for handling each of these patterns.

To give you a little snippet and sneak peak, let’s talk about her chapter called “Six Steps to a Better Relationship.” Orlov gets vulnerable and digs deep (reallllllllllllllly deep) to reveal real hurt, real disappointment, and real crisis. If you’ve been there, then you get it! In this chapter, she reveals the mindset of non-ADHD spouses who may feel like their partners don’t take their diagnosis seriously and do more about it. Some feel panic. Some feel urgency, as they envision their marriages and lives crumbling beneath the weight of their untreated spouses or the spouse’s indifference toward the diagnosis.  

She continues her expertise and insight into the six of the myths on anger, and she focuses on one of the most intense feelings of both the ADHD spouse and their supporting spouse. She acknowledges the feelings of both mates and validates their experiences while also educating to de-stigmatize the ADHD spouse’s emotions. She does all of this without trivializing them.

The ADHD Effect emphasizes the necessity and importance of treating conditions such as depression, and resentment. She stresses the importance of the ADHD spouse seeking help – in some capacity. But, as in any committed relationship, the spouse with the diagnosis isn’t the only one living with ADHD. The actions (or non-actions) of the ADHD spouse impact both mates, and this chapter spells out her plan for optimal treatment. Her Three-Legged Stool approach may be one of the best examples I have seen of reaching very attainable goals.

Truth be told, even if you and your mate don’t struggle with ADHD, this book still offers great advice that could benefit any of us, really. Her ‘rules” for conversation (like not interrupting and not being on the defensive) remind us to be respectful of one another and practice self control and emotional regulation in the tone of our voices. Even if we don’t get our way, we can grow in our marriages by validating our spouses. 

If you like tangible tools or hands on activities, there are sections for worksheets and tools.. Life with ADHD can be a roller coaster ride (and not necessarily the fun kind), not just for the person with the diagnosis, but for the whole family. I know many couples will wish they’d read this book sooner! Ready to gain a wealth of knowledge that can potentially change the course of your marital relationship? It’s only one read away!

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