A good friend of mine is coaching her child’s T-ball team. I recently went and watched one of their games. If you’ve ever watched three and four year olds play a T-ball game, then you know what a hoot that was!

Despite the many hysterical moments, I noticed something important. No, these kids weren’t hitting home runs and no, they weren’t making spectacular plays. Instead, these kids were learning the basics. They were learning to swing the bat, the right order to run the bases, how to use their gloves to stop the ball, how to throw the ball to a teammate, etc. They were adorably clumsy and needed a great deal of coaching (thank heavens for volunteers, right?), but they were practicing the basics. They were getting the fundamentals down pat so they could one day grow into all-stars.

Marriages work a lot like that. When we first say, “I do,” we’re a bit clumsy and confused – not always confident or sure what to expect or what to do next. We spend those early years learning and growing in hopes of one day hitting it out of the park!

The first year of marriage is full of non-stop learning. There’s much to adjust, much to adapt to, many practices to put in place, and it’s all part of learning the basics. Here are some of the fundamentals you’ll learn in the early year(s).

Lessons in Love

You show and feel love in different ways.

The way you show love isn’t necessarily the way your new spouse shows love. What’s important is that you be able to show love in a way they will recognize and receive it and vice versa. After all, what good is an undelivered gift? I’m a big fan of Dr. Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages. The premise of Chapman’s book is that we all have preferential ways we naturally show love and recognize love from others. He focuses on 5 love languages: Physical Touch, Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, and Gifts. Does your mate feel most loved when you give him your time and attention? Do that then. Do you feel most loved when he helps clean up the house or when he brings home your favorite dessert for no reason? Let him know that then.

Most days are not 50/50.

Not even close. While we should actually be 100/100, some days may be more like 90/10. You won’t both be on your A-game every day. Marriage is give and take, and you may be the one doing the most giving during certain seasons of life. Remember why you got married and be willing to carry the load for one another.

Give the benefit of the doubt.

It’s easy to take offense to things your mate says or does or doesn’t do. When this happens, we have to give our mates the benefit of the doubt. We have to look beyond the offense and believe the best about our mates. We know they are good people and wouldn’t intentionally hurt us. Keeping this in mind will allow us to show grace and patience when we feel hurt.

You have to keep dating.

Though you’ve taken on the titles of husband and wife, you still need to date like, well, like when you were dating. Continuing to date keeps the fun and the spark going in your relationship and guarantees you two spend focused time on and with one another. Keep this habit going because it’s easy to fall to the wayside when kids and more life demands come along. It was the two of you before anyone else, so continue setting aside time for one another. And keep having fun!

Lessons in Communication

You speak different languages.

It’s no secret that men and women communicate differently. You’re probably learning this lesson first hand right now. Be prepared to reword things for each other in order to try to understand one another better. What you meant to say may not be what he heard. One technique to help with this misunderstanding is to repeat back to your mate what you think you hear them say. Be willing to let your mate correct you if that’s not the message they were trying to communicate. Don’t put words in each other’s mouths or assume they meant something else. If you’re unsure what your mate meant, ask for clarification.

No one has a crystal ball.

I know you wish he could just read your mind and do what you wanted him to do. But, honey, that’s not going to happen. No one has a crystal ball. No one can read minds. Be willing to lovingly communicate your needs or he will not know and will not be able to meet them. Set your mate up for success by telling him what you want or need from him and then give him opportunities to meet that desire.

Have regularly occurring budget meetings.

Finances aren’t always the funnest thing to talk about. Often in relationships, there is one spender and one saver (not always, but often). Do not hide money or purchases from your mate to avoid arguments. Have monthly (or some other agreed upon interval of time) budget meetings to talk about what bills need to be paid and when, how much spending money you have left over, and in what areas you’d like to give or save more. Couples who can talk about money with one another do well in other areas of their relationship too.

Lessons in Sex

Talking about sex is important.

Just like with money, sex can be a difficult topic to talk about. Yet again, couples who can talk about sex together have healthier relationships. It may feel awkward at first, but talk to your mate about what you enjoy sexually. Ask him what he enjoys. Discuss desires on frequency and time of day. Be careful not to criticize, but instead encourage. Don’t make sexual demands. The last thing you want to do is add a negative stigma to what should be an exciting and pleasurable experience to share together.

Do it and do it often.

Never withhold sex as punishment or use it as a bargaining chip to get what you want from your mate. Have sex and have it often. The bond built in a healthy sex life will help protect you both from the attention of those outside your marriage, as well as open you to vulnerability with your mate. And vulnerability and intimacy lead to a healthy marriage.

Practice discretion.

Some things are better left unsaid. To protect trust and privacy in your marriage, avoid sharing intimate details about your sex life with others. Do not share notes or compare with friends. This can embarrass your spouse or set unhealthy expectations. Your mate will appreciate the discretion.

Lessons in Conflict

Disagreements are normal (and healthy).

You are two different people with two different opinions. You both bring varying strengths and weaknesses to the marriage. Celebrate those differences. But, they will cause you to disagree at times. And that’s okay. Actually, that’s a good thing. Because how you handle those disagreements can really build your bond if you choose to understand one another and work toward a compromise. It’s okay to disagree, but make sure you always fight fairly. No low blows or side punches.

Don’t disrespect one another.

There’s nothing productive about griping (wait, we often mask it as “venting,” don’t we?) about your mate to your friends or in public. Your mate should never be the butt of a joke or the recipient of your sarcastic comment. Respect your mate at home and in public. Do not belittle or talk down to your mate. Rather speak highly of your spouse to others. It’ll get back around to them and they’ll feel loved and appreciated.

Let go of expectations.

You likely both came into this marriage with expectations. While some of those are good (loyalty, love, etc), often we carry in unrealistic expectations of how we want the marriage to look and how we want our mates to behave. Leave the expectations at the altar. They will only set you and your mate up for disappointment. Instead, talk with your mate about the goals you both have for your marriage, and work toward those together.

Forgive often.

One of the greatest pieces of advice any couple who has been married a while can give you is to forgive one another – and often. Forgiveness is releasing your mate from the debt you feel they owe you. She messed up? He hurt your feelings? Forgive them. Work through the conflict, and forgive on another. Failing to forgive your mate can lead to bitterness and resentment. And bitterness and resentment lead to apathy. And apathy will lead to some very dark and dangerous places for your marriage. 

Lessons in Building a Future Together

You need mentors.

Marriage is hard at times. And when you’re new at it, you’re inexperienced in many situations. It’s helpful for you each to have one older, wiser, married person of your own gender to turn to with questions. Mentors hold us accountable, give us sound advice, and listen to our concerns without allowing us to bash or belittle our mates.

Can I let you in on a (not so) little secret? These are lessons that couples who’ve been married for many years are still learning and growing from. The key is to always be growing and changing and learning together. A thriving marriage is a lifelong effort and the result of daily choices and intentions – from the first year til the fiftieth and beyond.

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What lessons would you add to this list? Which of these were the hardest for you during your first year of marriage?

Still Learning & Loving,